Dear Phi

Lost and Found

Beam POV

10 years later

When P'Forth left our house that fateful day, he never came back. It's already been 10 years since then. I hated myself because I thought if only I didn't push through with my debauchery born from my curiosity, P'Forth will come like normal. I was sad and angry but I there's nothing I could do. Everything that happened after that was confusing for me.

Is P'Forth angry at me?
Is P'Forth avoiding me?
Did he tell someone about what I did?
I was filled with guilt and regret all those years because of my stupid curiosity. 

From what I heard from my father, P'Forth moved in with his older sibling living in the neighboring town. Their parents already moved out and returned to their home province down south where they had a house built from a plot of land that they inherited. P'Forth will follow them their as soon as he's done with schooling. 

Haaaaaay! He's gonna move to someplace faraway without me seeing him again! He won't even say goodbye to me. He'll be gone while still angry with me!

I cried almost everyday alone in my room. Of course, I kept that fact from my parents. They might learn of what I did and honestly, I was terrified that they will know about it. I was sure I won't end up with just a scolding. Most likely, they'll disown me.

But no matter how much I tried to hide it, eventually they noticed the change in my behavior. I was not the cheerful kid they once knew. They did asked me about it but I just kept myself mum. After a week, they just let me be. I became unsociable. I'd rather be alone than mingle with others. I stopped playing outside with my neighborhood friends. In school, I only talk when necessary. I was quiet and brooding, as if always asking questions to myself. Silently waiting with P'Forth always swimming in my head.

Time passed by but I only had two distinct information about P'Forth. I learned that he studied in a university in the capital and when he graduated, he went abroad immediately. Well, it was only my father who shared the news with me. I never once heard directly from P'Forth. No messages, no calls even since he disappeared completely from my sight. He's only with me in my dreams.

I began to masturbate more quickly when my phi left. I virtually recall what happened to us that afternoon whenever I play with myself.

I imagine P'Forth's handsome face.
His gummy smile.
The curves of his chest, arms, and stomach.

It's engraved in my mind how the thin cat hairs trail from his navel and turns bushier and bushier as you approach the base of his shaft that highlighted the reddish hard helmet on the tip of his cock.
His hard and stiff shaft that greatly contrasts his supple ball sacs.
The feel of my skin touching his manhood. It's warmth radiating outward.
The taste of his cock inside my mouth.

When I'm alone in my room, I imagine him lying down on my bed naked and playing with himself. He's sweaty and moaning while looking straight at me. The searing feelings inside me returns everytime along with the pleasurable sensations. 

P'Forth is gone and I only have our memories left with me.

Many things changed since then. I graduated from elementary school then entered high school. I had my growth spurt but was still skinny. My voice even modulated in a lower octave. But my penchant of being alone and silent never changed. I was aloof to almost all and I just deal with them when necessary. I answer when asked but all in all still kept to myself. 

One time during my last year in high school, I overheard one of "it girl" groups talking about me:

"Beam is cute but he's a loner and quiet, like he's always thinking of something deep," said one of them.

"That's sooooo my type girl! He's slim but seemed pretty fit. I saw him jogging after school. My eyes were just drawn to him as he passed by," another chimed in.

"But I know girl, that's what you like! Those brooding types!" A third one added before all of them chuckled merrily, unaware that was just behind them.

At the time that pubescent males slowly get interested in getting a girlfriend, I was still alone. I don't know. I just can't seem to find someone that interests me. No one can even compare  with P'Forth. I knew I have a different of feelings and that I can't reveal it to the world. I knew it was forbidden. Good thing, it wouldn't be hard for me to keep it to myself. As for my parents, they didn't wonder that much. I mean, I don't even have people I can call friends, what more a lover. No one even dared asked. I prefer it that way. 

At home, I just watched TV alone in my room or just play console games. Sometimes, I play basketball out back or I jog around our village with my earphones on. I still so much idolized P'Forth that I secretly learned to smoke and drink booze. I acquired the same taste for the brands he liked. Everytime I puff my cigarette, thoughts of my phi fill my mind. Every gulp of that bitter cervesa, only him alone gets my attention.

One day, my parents made a trip to the neighboring town to join the fiesta and visit my uncle. They invited me to join them but just as they expected, I declined. They didn't try to persuade me since they knew that I don't want to mingle with people especially with strangers. I was used to being alone in the house anyway so I didn't mind that they will be gone for a few days. Ever since I reached high school, they have trusted me to take care of the house whenever they have businesses to attend to. It was actually a free day for me to smoke and drink openly. Haha!

They left by twilight because they said it's less hassle to drive with less vehicles on the road. I locked the gate and our front door as soon as they left and rushed to my hidden stash of beers in my room. I placed them inside the fridge to cool them.

After a few hours, many cigarettes sticks, and  six beer cans, the night had already prevailed outside. I felt hot so I took off my shirt as I watched TV in the living room. Suddenly, I heard a cab stop in front of our house followed by someone calling out from the gate.

"Who the hell is this? Shit!" I muttered and didn't answer back nor open the door, hoping that whoever it was will eventually leave.

But the person shouted louder. "Khun Po! Khun Po!"

The voice was familiar. I heard of it before. I moved closer to the door but didn't open it. Khun Po? Perhaps he's pertaining to my dad?

"Who's there? Papa is not here. Just come back after a couple of days!" I answered from inside the house.

"Beam? N'Beam? Is that you? Nong, this is Forth!"

"Forth? Who the hell is this For--" I trailed off when I realized. "P'Forth?!"

My heart pounded. Did I hear it right? P'Forth was beyond our closed door and gate?!