Recollections of a Wounded Soul

Life Situations and Afflictions...

Lam. 3:19-24
Remembering mine affliction and my misery,the wormwood and the gall. My soul hath them still in remembrance, and is humbled in me. This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD'S mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Psalms 51:5
Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.

Introduction:
   My parents met in the fall of 1968. They met through the former husband of my mother’s sister. My mother was in the process of a divorce and my father was married to another woman.  My mother was 28 years old and my father was 31. He by this time had three children that he claimed and only two that he was somewhat taking care of. For the sake of anonymity their names have been excluded from this summary and interview. They will only be called mother and father for the purpose of this interview. The interview covers their perspective and the summary will be mine. One thing that I have learned for sure is that they have two totally different ideas about the time they were together. Another thing that they agree on is that they should not have married, which they didn’t and the third thing is that I am his child. The furthest they got was infatuation coupled with sexual desire. They really didn’t know each other well from all indications.

 
The Interview …
Where did you meet?
Mother: We met in a club in Phoenix. We were introduced by my former brother-in-law.
Father: We met in this little bar in Phoenix. I asked H****** who she was and told him to introduce us. He did and we started seeing each other.
Both of my parents were in the middle of a storm in their lives when they met. My mother was in the middle of a divorce form an abusive husband and my father was here trying to avoid an assault change because of a fight he had gotten into over a woman in another major city. He was only supposed to be in town a few weeks and ended up staying here almost two years. He had a wife and young son back home that were awaiting his return.
How long were you involved?
Mother: We were involved as you put it for a year and a half off and on.
Father: Almost two years.
The actual time frame of the involvement was anywhere from several months to one year. They met in the fall of 1968 by the fall of the next year I was born.
Did you love each other?
Mother: I cared for your father but it wasn’t love.
Father: I cared about your mother.
My father was a man that couldn’t be faithful to one woman and tended to move on quickly. My mother allowed herself to get involved with the wrong man, although she didn’t date him long enough to know that at the time, things progressed quickly leaving rational mind behind. My mother cared more for my father than he was ever capable of caring for her. She was infatuated without all the information. He knew he wasn’t available to her for anything more than an affair but lead her to believe that maybe they could have more.
Was it a good relationship?
Mother: It was okay, I had seen him around with other women. He would make promises and not keep them. Finally, when I was very pregnant and he didn’t come around to help me move into a new place I ended the relationship.
Father: As far as I was concerned it was okay while it lasted. She was always accusing me of seeing other women and she fussed at me all the time. She kicked me out after a misunderstanding. I went back home after that and we lost contact.
Do you believe in marriage and would the two of you being married to each other have changed the way things went?
Mother: Yes, I believe in marriage. I was divorcing my husband when I met your father. It wasn’t possible for us to marry each other then. I think that had we been able to marry each other things still would not have worked because I had trust issues and he had fidelity issues.
Father: Yes, I believe in marriage. I am in my third marriage. I couldn’t have married her at that time and was pretty bitter about relationships for a time. I wanted to be free to see women and spend time with anyone I wanted to. Your mother wasn’t having any of that. It wouldn’t have worked she was jealous and very demanding.
If you could do things over again would it change the way the relationship ended?
Mother: No one can predict the future but no I don’t think that time and hind sight would have changed the outcome of the relationship.
Father: I wouldn’t want to do that again, and no, we would not have ended up together. I was married then.

Conclusion:
My take on my parents’ relationship…
Interviewing my parents was not a good thing. I couldn’t interview them together because they live in different states. However, the funny part is that their stories have never been the same nor has it ever changed. By that I mean they never agree and they always tell the same story. My mother says my father was a womanizer and my father says my mother was jealous and untrusting. The lack of relationship on their part made it hard for me to function in a relationship for many years. Their dysfunctions made me jaded concerning love and love relationships.

Doing their individual interviews made me want to shake them both, they still aren’t ready to admit their mistakes in the relationship and the fact that they should have taken more time to get to know each other.  Then maybe they would have known enough about each other to make the determination as to whether or not they wanted to give in to the obvious sexual desire that is initially their reason for meeting and getting together in the first place.

The impact on me due to their relationship or lack there of, is that I have learned to take care before getting involved and taking the time to get to know the man that I am interested in. I am a firm believer in love and commitment. I have strict rigid values concerning fidelity and love. I know that because of the relationship that my parents didn’t have, I must cement my wants and desires as far as the man that I will commit to.

Also, as far as love is concerned committing to the wrong man is an absolute no-no. My mother says that the man you fall in love with sets your destiny. I believe that and I know it to be true. To fall in love with the wrong man would be to lose myself. If he is the wrong man his goals do not match with mine and most definitely aren’t congruent with my lifestyle.  He would take me off my course and if I was able to maintain my course he would be a problem causing for me to work harder to reach my goal while maintaining my course. When it is time to commit to the man I love, I will be able to do it without reservation. We will have the same goals and help each other to discover our potential.