Recollections of a Wounded Soul

Innocence Lost...

Incest, Molestation and Rape... Lev.18:6-18, 20:11-12, 17-21, Eze.22:11-12, Deu 22:22-28

How can this happen???

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, and it was the day that would change my life forever. As some many times before, I am left. I am home (unsupervised) again and I can't remember why? Even, my twin is gone too. And, somehow it looks like I have been left for the day. No one even calls to see if I am ok.

I don't know why but he is here too. Here we are the two of us together for hours with not one adult relative present.

He and I talked about a lot of things but we were not friends. He was nineteen, and I wasn't even a teenager yet. He and I stayed out of each others' way until the thunderstorm started and the lights went out. Then there was no music, no T.V, no lights and we had to stay out of the refrigerator so as not to ruin or cause the food to spoil.

It is the living room that we sit down in as we opened the windows and let the breeze come in. It is then that he started asking me questions about who I was and what I liked.

We spent what seemed like hours laughing and teasing one another and when the conversation changed, I didn't know what this was really about.

He told me about being cute and starting to have the curves of a woman. When he slid over beside me and kissed me. I felt the heat in the room fill like it fell on me. When he talked of kissing he said that it was no big deal to kiss even though I could feel his kiss deep in the pit of my stomach.

When he touched my body it was with hands firm and insistent, but gentle as a mother's touch.

I didn't understand what was happening as heat rose from somewhere deep inside me and caused my heart to beat like a resounding drum. I was hot all over. When he took my hand and said to me let's go to your bedroom. Abuse had touched me however, to some degree my innocence remained.

I knew something was wrong but I didn't know what. I now know by the look in his eyes what he wanted but as a young girl I was innocent enough to not know what was going to happen.

In my room the young man who must have been taught the skill of a man by someone of experience shared his experience with me. Everything in me was saying no, run but fear was not enough to make me turn from this enchanting feeling at the touch of this man. He had awakened a deep pleasure that was intoxicating and holding me like a vise. It was hypnotizing.

He held me close and kissed me until I was drunk. My head was swimming and I was in. I was wanting him to keep doing what he was doing.

When he unbuttoned my blouse and undid my bra. I wasn't embarrassed because he was smiling when he looked at me. He touched the waist of my bottoms and when I put my hands there he told me that it was okay. When he pulled my bottoms off I didn't understand why he was undressing me. But his skillful touch made me his from the first. I didn't know this was literally and legally rape because I didn't understand sex. But, the logistics of it was I was way too young for what was happening. And, he had no business leading me to the place we were going. I was a child and he was a grown man.

He began to touch me and before I knew it he took off his shirt and told me to touch his chest. When he kissed me again it wasn't on the lips or the cheek. He found places on my body to kiss that had me melting like butter at his hands. When he unbuttoned his pants and kissed my lips again I was taken completely by him. I didn't realize that this was meant for a husband and wife.

He walked me through the motions of love without rushing and his instruction was that of a teacher. He told me when to move and how to best help him without hurting me. He told me what a man would like in this action and when to do it, he whispered sounds of encouragement and told me how to tell a man that he was doing what I needed. All of this with no words but through touch and motion.

I didn't understand what was happening but had no rational thoughts I was hungry for more of the feelings he awakened in me. He took me to the insanity of passion trying to merge with him. I wanted to be as close to him as could be but could not get any closer. I wanted to melt into him.

When he pulled away I didn't understand, what he was doing. When he came back to me he took me in his arms until our hearts and breathing slowed.

I closed my eyes and it was then that I felt shame and it was as if someone said, 'what have you done?' The shame was pushed away as he started everything over without words just touch.

This time he waited for my responses and his touch me was forceful but tender and when I felt the urge to melt into him he held me until the feeling subsided. Then he pulled away as before and when he came to hold me explained why he had pulled away. He told me he didn't want to get me pregnant so he pulled away when it was time. I asked the dumbest question..."What we just did get me pregnant?"

He kissed me again and explained what we had just done. Then he told me that if I was to do that with anyone else I should be careful so as to not make babies. Tears came to my eyes at what I had done. I knew then that I had given away the gift that was meant for my husband.

He kissed my tears and told me I would be alright and that he didn't mean to hurt me. However, it wasn't my body that hurt it was my feelings. My husband would not be the first man I would do this with, nor would he be the only one. And this man wasn't even someone that I loved.

He looked at me and finally he asked me how old was I? When I confessed that I was twelve he looked as if he was going to pass out. He pulled away and dressed quickly. He told me to get dressed and made me promise to never tell anyone what we did. He never spoke to me again and left our home a few days later. I never saw him again, never knowing what happened to him.

Later when I told a teacher about it as an adult, she told me I was raped. That's why he made me promise to never tell anyone and left shortly after. It had not been maliciously done but it was illegal non-the-less.

No threats were needed for my silence. Shame was enough and I didn't want him or myself to get into trouble. But, the damage had been done. I was changed again. I lost my ability to trust myself because it was obvious I didn't understand people.