Recollections of a Wounded Soul

Dynamics and Relationships Messed Up

Incest, Molestation and Rape... Lev.18:6-18, 20:11-12, 17-21, Eze.22:11-12, Deu 22:22-28

Where do I go from here???

I held my son in my arms and thought of all the things that I could do to keep him. I wanted to hold my son in my arms forever. I looked at him and thought that all I had to do was take him home. He was so beautiful, this little part of me. I couldn't help but think what will happen to him in his lifetime without me as his mother. I didn't want to let him go but what other choice did I have.

It started like this...
He came into my life at one of the lowest time of my life. I suffered greatly from low self-esteem. He was a young man who was 6'2 ft tall and whose I.Q. was somewhere near 148 or higher. He was a friend of a friend and was basically introduced to me so that I would not be a distraction to my sister and her boyfriend.

He wasn't much to look at but he was so smart that it made my head spin. He was the kind of young man that you want to take home to your mother. At least in high school you hope he is the one.
It took some time but finally, we became friends and eventually I began to feel that I was in love with him. He was sweet, generous and kind. He also thought that I was very beautiful. Which was something at that time was what I didn't think of myself. It was one of the reasons that I thought that I learned to love him.

It wasn't long before we began to start to fool around. The experimental kissing and touching. I mean there wasn't any actual sex but we played with "heavy petting." I was so infatuated I thought the sun rose and set around him. Then one day there was something that happened that changed everything in a single instant. It was because of this thing that everything else in my life was altered.

It started when I was babysitting my niece. When I turned fifteen, my sister adopted a baby. Well of course my sister wanted to keep her job so the family pretty much helped out with my niece. My twin along with the other sisters took turns babysitting. I was almost a hostage situation on the weekends because my sister literally kept me or my twin close so that she or I could baby-sit at a moment's notice.

My sister was so demanding, sometimes I would not have time to grab clothes so I would wash the clothes that I had worn and would repeat them on the second day.

One particular day my sister's husband was floating around. He normally was not there when I babysat but this day he was around. He stayed mostly out of my way. Some of his friends came by and they went outside in the back yard where there was an enclosed garage and they started getting high. I knew that my brother in law got high because I had found the remnants of it lying around. We all knew but it was one of the things families didn't talk about as long as it didn't effect how he took care of his family and responsibilities.

I put my clothes in the washer and when it was time for them to go into the dryer I put them in and took a quick shower. When I got out of the shower my clothes were not dry. I had put them in on the wrong temperature. So there I was sitting in a towel.

This day I had trouble getting the baby to take a nap. When she finally went to sleep I went into my sister's room so that I did not make a lot of noise. I was sitting on her bed when he came in from outside. He was talking to me and then there he was standing in the doorway. I felt uncomfortable because I was sitting there in the towel. He began to talk to me about being a beautiful woman and how I was really maturing. It made me uncomfortable, it didn't feel right.

When he came closer and then he put his hand on my shoulder. I froze for a moment. I was paralyzed with fear. When he touched me again moving the towel slightly a shame took over. I remember the struggle to move his hands. When the towel just fell away there was nothing between us to stop it from happening. I was pinned and his leg was keeping mine from closing.