SAUDADE // I loved you

-𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 1- ✔

- 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ✔-

: Chapter 1 : Perspective ~ Her :

To be honest, I should have started changing it on the first day when we met. Our eyes meeting, our hearts beating, I bit my lip nervously with my eyes only on you. I felt you leaner and move over to me, your eyes staring deeper into me. " Hello," you said. I felt my breath becoming softer and my smile melting into the soft smile like the morning light. The classroom was lit with light, but everything was only aimed at us. There was the right amount of warmth between us, perfect and loving. The golden caramel on your eyes melted in your pupil as you could see the colors of the sand and the ocean blend together into the perfect ombre. The perfect tune.

Your kiss was not like the movie star kisses but one that steeped with passion and a flame of delight. It was a promise of realness and the desire of each other. And with you, it kept me awake. It kept me alive and embracing him like a copy of the romantic idols. It was the satisfying feeling of happiness and hope altogether. Love was the quiet emotion that was like the fuel to our fire. Together. Always. Forever.

That night, was amazing. In bed, me and you. Restless but calm. Proud and rebellious. Bold and amazing. You were my drug. One touch and the intoxication was instant. Whatever you wanted to do was what we did and there wasn't 't anything to stop us - not that I'd wanted to. Just your scent sent me into a heady trance, one that would never end until our bodies were still once more. Such a bold action, I thought it would be remembered. 

❝I love you❞

❝I love you too❞

❝Promise you won't ever forget me.❞

❝Promise you won't ever betray me or forget me.❞

❝Promise, you will love me no matter what.❞

❝I promise❞

But it wasn't remembered. 

After that, we knew it was pure love. But that's before you disappeared. When you left me by myself, vulnerable and alone. It hurt. Everywhere I went, I saw you. Photos, memories, everything was there. Of you. I was used to letting go, but this time I didn't want to let go because I cared about you too much. It was a passionate love that was fueled by fire. Once. Now it was just smoke and fog, closing every door that we had. I knew I loved you too much but I was scared of letting go and I couldn't bear your disappearance.

It drew me mad. It made me go insane with pain and hurt. It was a pure heartache. It is a real thing. Not a made up thing you find online. When your heart hurts, it hurts. You need your whole body, brain and self to get through it. Together. You need love and courage to get through it as a whole. But that doesn't happen anymore. It's disappeared. Now all there is, is myself. No love, courage, family, nothing. I'm alone. One more time. One more step to take. One more, to fall off the cliff and cause the scale to go uneven. For me to tip and smash into pieces. That's what would happen.

But now I ask myself. How could I miss someone who never cared? Who I didn't know about? It was a new and ridiculous experience for me. That I took with courage. But now, it's drained. It's disappeared and nothing left, not even my soul is here. It was painful. I tried to do it. I pushed myself to become stronger and fight against a war. My own war. But it never worked. Pain is something you cry out to. Something that makes your body, your heart, everything hurt. But some people keep it inside. They don't tell anybody. Their hearts go black, their lungs suffocating. Swimming in a sea that doesn't have a bottom. It causes you to sink, and sink, and sink until the water takes away your breath and your last words are never heard.

A:M- hey again. thanks so much for reading. remember to always give yourself self love. ur amazing! :) xoxo