SAUDADE // I loved you

-𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 6- ✔

- 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ✔-

: Chapter 6 : Perspective ~ Her :

I thought my eyes had deceived me, but he was there. In the plain sunlight. The golden caramel still seeping from his eyes, his brown hair ruffled, the chestnut colour memorable. However, he was only looking at me. With a smile. It was a smirk that seemed to make me feel small. I felt like I was sinking. The fakeness of it pushed out, the corners of the smile looking like a scowl.

I looked again. Rolling my eyes, I observed the angle. He had disappeared. I sipped on my ice coffee, a blanket of coldness hitting me, a rich aroma of coffee which was delectable. Shit I spilled my coffee. I could feel the coldness seeping down my jeans, the ice falling against the wooden floor. Fuck, not again. I lost focus. Oh, god. I don't really know what to do. I think it must've been an illusion, a guilty perspective. But I'm not guilty. It wasn't my fault. Well I don't think so. When I looked into your eyes, all I could see was coldness. When there was no love in the eyes, all I see is deadness. It was like staring at a graveyard, dark gloomy and plain. It was like arriving without fanfare because everyone got turned off and they didn't see or feel it coming. It made me stare deeper and deeper into that dark abyss, to see nothing, but myself.

I had expected to see more, but all I could see was myself. It was just me. By myself. I was shaking. But the thing was. For the first time in many years, I was scared. It had been a long time since I had felt like somebody had poured gasoline into the spark of fear that was down below. Before, You took words and fashioned them into a knife, sinking it in with cold black eyes. You begged me on your knees at the end, but all I ever did was offer you my hand. All I ever did was offer love and ask for help. But you betrayed me. You left me alone. Yet I feel guilty. I feel this guilty pleasure under my skin.

It's like peeling off the layers and layers of no feelings, to that one strip, that one part which had guilt. You made it look like I was the guilty one. The one who had hurt you multiple times, but it was his fault. It was always gonna be his fault. That's when I dropped my coffee cup. Before my brain can register the sound as breaking glass, my eyes are shut tight and a million little knives fall softly onto my arm. I freeze, all but my heart remaining statue-like. I could feel it beating heavily, the sound echoing. When finally I allow my eyelids to flutter open I see that the ground is stained red, the color creeping outward as it leaks out.

I stare down. Shit. I lost focus one more time. I brush the glass off and slowly go to pick up the shards of glass. It's so silent, the cafe's chatter and sounds have disappeared. The clinking of the cups, and the coffee machine stopped grinding. It was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. I look around to see everybody stare at me. Their bulging eyes, their conversations, silent. God, they need to mind their own business.