SAUDADE // I loved you

-𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 2- ✔

- 𝐈 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 ✔-

: Chapter 2 : Perspective ~ Her :

After that, we knew it was pure love. But that's before you disappeared. When you left me by myself, vulnerable and alone. It hurt. Everywhere I went, I saw you. Photos, memories, everything was there. Of you. I was used to letting go, but this time I didn't want to let go because I cared about you too much. It was a passionate love that was fueled by fire. Once. Now it was just smoke and fog, closing every door that we had. I knew I loved you too much but I was scared of letting go and I couldn't bear your disappearance.

It drew me mad. It made me go insane with pain and hurt. It was a pure heartache. It is a real thing. Not a made up thing you find online. When your heart hurts, it hurts. You need your whole body, brain and self to get through it. Together. You need love and courage to get through it as a whole. But that doesn't happen anymore. It's disappeared. Now all there is, is myself. No love, courage, family, nothing. I'm alone. One more time. One more step to take. One more, to fall off the cliff and cause the scale to go uneven. For me to tip and smash into pieces. That's what would happen.

But now I ask myself. How could I miss someone who never cared? Who I didn't know about? It was a new and ridiculous experience for me. That I took with courage. But now, it's drained. It's disappeared and nothing left, not even my soul is here. It was painful. I tried to do it. I pushed myself to become stronger and fight against a war. My own war. But it never worked. Pain is something you cry out to. Something that makes your body, your heart, everything hurt. But some people keep it inside. They don't tell anybody. Their hearts go black, their lungs suffocating. Swimming in a sea that doesn't have a bottom. It causes you to sink, and sink, and sink until the water takes away your breath and your last words are never heard.

That was what happened. I was sinking. I still am. Many people say lunatic. I say creative and free-spirited. And ready to move on. If you could feel what I felt, you would feel more alive than you have ever felt in your entire years alive, just for a fraction. You would feel energised and moving. Everything I ever wanted was being taken away, my present, my future, my very essence of me. Of course when I fought to win, I tried to become sane again. I was always the girl who got up after every fall, always ready to go again full power, ask anyone. Crying was never on my list of options, winning was though.

That's when I started to go more than a lunatic. Or insane. I went mad. I started. Whether it was a bird, or a frog, or even a fish. I did it. The slicing against the head, the satisfying red liquid dripping onto my hand. It felt refreshing and warm. It was the feeling of sunny days and a sweet uplifting sensation. Warm on my fingers, dripping onto my clothes. It caused me to forget. About everything. The past lover, the family that I longed for, the faith and hope that I once had, the strength and dignity that I had, the feelings and emotion, are absolutely gone. Gone. And they won't even come back. My emotions don't work anymore I said. I'm heartless; and everybody knew so. Or that's what I thought.