"Don't cry."
Startled, I jump and gawk at Leon, dark monolod eyes stare at me intently. He's never uttered a word to me and quite frankly, I was terrified of him. And it wasn't because he was riddled with an ink sleve running up his right arm or the...
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For weeks he's been on my mind.
Leon.
We hadn't spoken since our last encounter. I was starting to see him more than ever. Or perhaps this was the first time I ever really noticed him.. The only contact we had was the connection of our eyes meeting each other every now and then in class. In the halls.
Kept to ourselves, heads down, mouths sealed shut. The silence between was so loud, I felt the tension of it, felt its friction every time we passed by each other, so close yet we couldn't be any further apart. The silence left his remnants on me, left his words.. his offers. Possibilities.
Every single day, right when I wake up, right before I go to sleep, every other minute during the day, he was who I thought of. Every day I grew fonder of him, losing myself in time, just thinking of the possibilities-- of him. Of his face.
He was my ritual, he was what I took to take my mind away from the real world. The endless possibilities of what he and I could do, could go, could be.
I thought about the things he's said...
The way he looked at me.
The way he touched me.
I thought about him too many times a day.
He was in my dreams, and it was crazy.. how he found a way to take control over me. Did I make the right choice? Saying no to him? Should I have just said yes? Or maybe ask if we could slow down?
For weeks I asked myself this...
Beating myself up.
And.... the crazy part is...I never worked on myself.. as I promised myself I would. I just... stalled, somewhere in the back of my mind, that voice told me I wouldn't live up to the woman I wanted to be. The insecurities of my body... they held me back. The woman I saw in the mirror was the reminder of my fears.. so I procrastinated...kept on the same path I was going down.
The dream of my best version of myself was just a dream I think about to pass the time.
It wasn't real. And I hadn't wanted it to be.
I hadn't wanted it to be...
The realization of my problem hit me out of nowhere... I wanted a change... I wanted to feel better.. to feel good.. to work on myself... but I never took the first step..
I just said I would, dreamed of the day that it would magically happen, cry, get depressed, wonder why I am depressed, wish I wasn't, want to change, never do.
The cycle continues.
Because I never broke out of it.
I spent an hour thinking long and hard about why I haven't moved past this long period of fog... I wasted time... wasted Leon's time... he was probably waiting on me.. and here I was wallowing in my own filth of disappointment...I felt the overwhelming urge to fix my shit completely in a few hours right now.
