Growing Into You (First Draft; Unedited)

xlv.

Jayen

“Get up.” He was standing above me, his large hand outstretched.

“I can’t!” I sobbed.

I was sprawled out on the matted floor of his studio. My arms were scratched and bruised and with each heartbeat my cuts plused. I don’t even remember what we were working on. All I can remember is the pain. 

“You’re just being lazy!” Mr. Widmen yelled. “Get up or I’m locking you in here!”

Was it nighttime? I think it was. I think I was trying to do something involving thorns. My breath was battered and uneasy. Every breath was a struggle. What happened to me? Why can’t I remember?

“Fonn, kid! Just move!” He sounded less angry and more panicked.

I lifted my hand only for it to immediately fall to the ground with a clunk. “I can’t! Please, I need help!” I could feel something dripping down the side of my face.

His normally slicked back grey hair was sticking out everywhere like a crown. His face was creased and worn down from years of life. His eyes were blank and dark, almost like how a shark would look. He ran his hands through his hands and looked up. “Fonn forgive me.” And he brought his leg up and brought it down. Hard. 

I screamed out in pain, I had never felt pain like that before or ever since.

I was shaking like a leaf in a winter storm. My hands reached out for something familiar as my eyes darted around the bright room. It was just a dream. I wiped the cold sweat off my forehead. Alexandra was sleeping soundly next to me. I slipped off the bed and tiptoed to the attached bathroom.

There was a large porcelain bathtub in the middle of the room. A sink was tucked away in the corner with a full body mirror by the door facing the bathtub. The mirror was adorned with golden flowers and leaves. The tile was white and cold underneath my socks. I padded over to the toilet behind a small wall and I threw up.

The bile burned my throat and trickled out of my nose. I coughed up everything I’ve eaten today and then some. I squeezed my eyes shut and cried. I wiped my nose and mouth with toilet paper and flushed. I curled up into a ball and laid onto the tile floor. My throat burned and the tears just wouldn’t stop. 

“Jayen?” Alexandra knocked on the open door. She couldn’t see me from the bathroom door but I knew that she heard me. I didn’t bother to respond and just started crying harder. I couldn’t stop thinking about Mr. Widmen, him kicking me. He was trying to kill me, I’m sure of it. I just can’t remember why. Why can’t I remember why?

“Jayen?” She called out again before coming into the bathroom. I covered my face, I didn’t want her to see me like this. “What happened? Are you sick?”

I shook my head, not trusting my voice to be coherent. My stomach churned, she’s going to like less of me. She’s going to realize who I really am. . .Just a broken shell who throws up after nightmares.

“Love, are you okay? Can you get up?” She kneeled down next to me and placed a gentle hand on my arm. 

“I threw up.” I choked out.

“Oh, dear, are you okay? Can I get you anything? Can we make it back to the bed?” She nudged my arm aside to place her wrist on my forehead. “You don’t feel warm, that’s good.”

“I’m not sick. . . I just. . .” my voice wavered, “I just had a nightmare.”

She pulled me into her lap, holding me close to her. I started crying even harder. All this is because of a stupid little nightmare. I’ve had it before, right? So why can’t I get a hold of myself?

“It’s okay. . . do you want to get back onto the bed? Rest a bit?” 

I wiped away a tear. “I probably smell like vomit, I certainly have some on me. I should probably shower. . .”

She laughed softly. “You do have a bit of a vomit smell. . . Do you feel up to that? You can take a bath up here if you like, I’ll prepare it for you.”

I nodded weakly and she helped me stand up. My legs shook under my weight and my throat was raw. She moved me to a chair next to the mirror and kissed my forehead.

She rolled up her sleeve and started the water. I didn’t notice before but next to the sink there was a shelf full of soaps, bath salts, and essential oils. The containers were deeply colored and looked beautiful. The bathtub was square and had porcelain steps leading up to it. It looked to be halfway under the floor.

I watched the water slowly fill up and wiped away my tears, I had stopped crying and my mouth tasted like bile and berries. An unpleasant combination. Alexandra walked over to the shelf and picked up two containers. 

She pursed her lips. “Are you allergic to anything?”

I shook my head. “No. What are you adding?”

“You’ll find out,” she said.

She unscrewed a light purple container and dumped out purple salt. She hummed in approval then grabbed two more containers. The larger of the two contained what looked like crushed up red herbs, the smaller one was a bottle full of purple liquid. She dropped some of both in and I was hit with the wonderful smell of lavender and coconut. 

“The water’s almost full, do you want me to stay in here with you?” Alexandra folded her hands together.

I flushed, her staying in her would mean she would see me naked but if she left I would be all alone. “Can you stay with me?”

She smiled. “Of course.” She walked to the bathroom to shut it and lock it.