Give Me a Reason To Stay [Kagehina]

Chapter 7: Rome

[A/N: Major spoilers for manga chapter 402]

For the remainder of 2021 and into 2022, the time passed slowly for the pair. For the first month after separating, both were in a funk so low that they were glad the season hadn't started yet.

Kageyama missed Hinata sorely. It was excruciating to be away from him, so far away, after having seen him every day for months. His bed was cold, he thought, night after night. Cold and empty. He would lie awake in his chilly bed and think about Hinata's smiling face, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't fall asleep with tears in his eyes more than once. He missed that smile. He missed the lazy Sunday afternoons with Hinata's head in his lap, his hands running through Hinata's fluffy hair, the comfort of having someone to talk to about volleyball and everything else. He missed his partner, madly, deeply, to an extent he wasn't even aware was possible for him to feel.

Hinata was not faring any better. He too felt his bed, his apartment was achingly empty. He laid awake at night, thinking back to their time in Tokyo. Now, waking up alone felt suffocating, like he couldn't breathe right. Nothing felt right without his partner. Hinata missed Kageyama's hands in his hair, his teasing, showering together. He missed watching Kageyama sleep, his gorgeous face free of worry and concentration. He missed playing volleyball with him, oh God, did he miss playing with him every day. He missed the companionship and the comfortable silences.

As the months wore on, Hinata became depressed. He wasn't his normal, cheery self anymore and the people around him noticed. Kageyama noticed too, on their video calls.

"Hey, Sho, are you okay?"

No! Hinata wanted to scream. No, I can't do this anymore. But what was the use? There was nothing they could do to fix it right now. They didn't even know when they'd see each other again. And all it would do is make Kageyama feel bad. So he held it in.

"Yeah, just tired."

Kageyama also felt down and even a little depressed, though it was harder for people to tell given his usual reserved demeanor. But he could tell, and at night, in the darkness, he let the feeling wash over him. The feeling of helplessness and longing and wanting so intense that sometimes he couldn't breathe.

In the months after their parting, he began to consider his choices after the season was over. His contract with Ali Roma was up in the spring, only a few months away. What then? Could they somehow be with each other after that? Could he actually, maybe, go to Brazil? Could they be together, a couple, for real this time?

Kageyama spent many nights pondering those questions as he stared into the darkness, heart hurting and brain whirling as he tried to decide if it could work, and if Hinata would even want that.

He had spent the last ten years hiding, being a coward, but maybe he could change. He could, at least scout possible teams in Brazil. He didn't need to tell Hinata if nothing ever came of it, he reasoned.

During that winter season, Hinata had also contemplated if Kageyama could come to Brazil, would even want to come and be with him. Hinata had two years left on his contract, so he was stuck here, but maybe, just maybe, Kageyama could come to him? He lay awake at night, in his cold empty bed, and wondered if it was finally time to say all the things he had never said. To put himself out there. To take a chance.

He thought back to their recent video calls and he could swear Kageyama was hurting too. It was subtle and probably most people couldn't tell, but Hinata could swear that Kageyama was sad. And he wondered, dozens, maybe even hundreds of times, if it was because of him. He had even asked if there was anything Kageyama wanted to talk about, but Kageyama had said it was nothing and changed the subject.