Give Me a Reason To Stay [Kagehina]

Chapter 20: Italy, One Last Time

[Summer, 2052]

The first time Kageyama Tobio came to Italy, his heart was broken.

His lover and soulmate had just come back to Japan but he had to leave to come here, to Italy, to a strange land with strange customs and a strange language. It was 2019 and he was 22. He had still been a virtual baby then, still naive, still fresh. He didn't know Italian, didn't know a soul in this country. He was scared and homesick. It took months for him to make any meaningful connections to his teammates since he couldn't communicate with them off court. On court, they developed hand signals that worked wonders. Professionally this was a great move. He was excelling on the international stage.

But his heart was in pieces. He was sad and despondent much of the time. He wished he was back in Japan, with his love, with the familiar surroundings, within his comfort zone. His teammates noticed his melancholy. They asked what was wrong and he managed to answer "nostalgico" (homesick).

He kept his team at a distance. He was friendly enough, a good teammate, but he never let any of them in. He told himself it was just the language barrier, but he really had never been good at opening up to people. This just gave him a good excuse. He stayed in Italy for two years, through the COVID-19 quarantine, all the while missing his family and friends, his lover, living a lonely and isolated existence.

When he left Italy the first time, it was to go back to Japan, back to Shoyo, the national team, back to his home. He was more excited to leave than he had ever been to stay. It was 2021.

The second time Kageyama Tobio came to Italy, his heart was empty and hollow.

It was 2021 and he was 24. He had just spent several months seeing and playing with and making love to Shoyo every day during the Olympic training and games in Tokyo. And now that it was over, there was a gaping hole in his heart. He felt more empty than he ever thought possible. He knew what he was missing now, knew what it took to make him feel alive and complete, and it had been taken away from him again because of contracts and commitments. How he wished he never had signed the Italy contract. How he wished to never leave Shoyo again.

He spent another year in this isolated hell. Looking forward to facetime sessions with Shoyo and his family, never quite seeming to put down roots in this country that had been his home for more than two years. All the while his heart screamed at him to leave, to go back to Japan, to fill this crater in his chest with love and familiarity and comfort. But commitment and dedication to volleyball kept him here another year.

When he left Italy the second time, it was to go to Brazil to be near his lover. He felt better about leaving Italy than he had ever felt about staying. Soon he would be within commuting distance of Shoyo. He was scared of the new language, the new culture, but being close to Shoyo made up for it all. That was 2022 and he was 25.

The third time Kageyama Tobio came to Italy, his heart was full.

He walked off the plane, hand in hand, with Shoyo. They had just competed in the Paris Olympics together and now they had come back to Italy. Together. To play together, to live together, to love together. They would be on the same team, play together, travel together. His soul mate would be at his side all the time and he couldn't be happier. He was 27 and it was 2024.

For the first time, Italy felt like home. He supposed it was because of Shoyo. Shoyo was home, so Italy was home. The crater in his chest had been filled with long nights and dinners and everyday conversations about volleyball and their apartment and silly things and sad things and all things. As long as Shoyo was there, it was all good.

The third time Tobio left Italy, his heart was conflicted.

He had retired, Shoyo had retired, so the sadness and emptiness were profound after doing what they loved for so long. This place that had become a home had also become 'the place where their careers ended' and it was hard to swallow. Despite knowing it was the right thing at the right time, Tobio still felt sad and perhaps even despondent.