There are times in our life that we need to choose between the hardest decision that will tore us into pieces.
My whole life was planned already.
Ever since I was a child, my mother would always lecture me about the importance of deciding, even about the smallest things in my life because I will never bring back the time even if I regret it so much or even if I bleed to death.
Sa loob ng mall ay pinapipili niya ako ng black shoes na gusto ko para sa pasukan. Ang isa ay flat lang at may cute na ribbon samantalang ang isa ay simple lang at may kaunting takong.
Dahil paborito ko pa ang mga ribbons ay ang black shoes na may ribbon ang pinili ko kahit ayaw iyon ni Mama dahil mukha pa rin pambata. Nang magpasukan, natanto kong tama siya dahil ang mga ka-edaran ko ay matataas na sapatos ang suot.
Nang tumapak ako ng Grade 8, nagsimula na akong magsuot ng mga matataas na sapatos para na rin makapag-practice ako. Lagi kasi akong isinasali ng aming mga guro bilang pambato tuwing may beauty pageant sa high school.
Sa una ay tutol sina Mama dahil daw baka raw makasira sa aking pag-aaral, kinausap pa siya ng teacher namin para pumayag.
Striktang guro ang Mama ko kaya ganoon na lamang ang saya ko nang unti-unti na siyang pumayag sa mga nagdaang taon. Sa tuwing nag-uuwi ako ng korona ay malaki ang ngiti nila ni Papa lalo na't hindi ko naman napabayaan ang pag-aaral ko.
At some point of my life, my younger self learned how to be contented. Being contented means little things or accomplishment in life will make you feel the most happiest person in the world.
My happiness is my grades, trophies, sash, crown but above all, my parents' compliments.
In that part of my life, I chose to continue my passion thinking that I will never regret it in the end. Or that's what I thought.
Pero hindi talaga nagtatagal ang lahat, minsan ay nauubos ang nararamdan natin sa ibang bagay.
When I started college, my parents asked me what I career I want to pursue. I can't think of any and since I'm so fond of my brother, without thinking, I chose the same profession like his.
I've encountered countless circumstances where I need to choose between the things I love the most. I thought I learned to decide carefully just like what my Mama thought me.
But I never imagine that those decisions will the cause of my very own downfall.
I got lost. I lost in this endless imaginative world.
I told myself that I didn't see it coming. I'm convincing myself that it's alright to make stupid mistakes sometimes.
But I was wrong. Those stupid countless mistakes is the root of my suffering. The very foundation that will tear me down...
Dissapointment. Shame. Anger.
Regret.
Those powerful words slowly eating me whole and alive.
It drown me so much to the point that I almost close my eyes.
If I wasn't reckless before, should I be proudly standing in the top of my dreams right now?
Am I going to feel contented?
or I should be thankful to those sins because I'm living another life right now?
I really can't tell...
Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako natututo. Hindi naman nagkulang sa paalala si Mama sa akin.
Even if I regret it today, I cannot do something about it anymore but to wish that I didn't do it before.
