The Stranger of Galilee

Chapter 17 - The Quandary of Conviction and Care

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Claudia awoke in the morning to the smell of porridge. The sweet scent warmed her nostrils before she had even opened her eyes, a most welcome sensation.
               Rolling onto her side, Claudia looked out and saw Mary and Mephibosheth jesting together around a nearby pot; Mary stirred, while Mephibosheth dipped a small spoon in the breakfast to sneak a taste. Mary swatted him away, only for him to counter her sporting by juggling some apples over her head, and consequently dropping a few whole ones into the pot.
               Claudia watched them with a smile on her face. They were young, playful, and unburdened. She, on the other hand, had been quiet, dull and achingly composed since she was barely fifteen. Her marriage had had no place for humour, or teasing. When Pilate summoned her she answered him: otherwise her days were largely given to study, soirées, and silence. After all, silly matters like his wife's thoughts or feelings were hardly of concern to the governor of Judea!
               But when Claudia met Lucius, she finally found the companionship she had been craving all along. He listened to her, and cared for her, protected her, valued her opinion and then...kissed her.
               He kissed me! she thought, entirely awake now. Lucius Tullius kissed me! - Why? And why could he not confess love to me afterwards? Does he love me? No, of course he does not - why should he? I am flawed: given to emotion, presumptuous and silly. He is serious, and strong, and mysterious. Oh, how I wish I could marry him!
               Claudia continued in these painful thoughts for a long time, until she started to feel uncomfortable. Adultery was wrong, in the eyes of both Romans and Jews. She knew that. But as much as she tried to stop thinking of Lucius, with his dignified appearance, mighty stature and angular complexion, she could not. In fact, her desire to kiss him again grew until she felt quite black inside.

Stop this, she told herself, as her legs began to lift her up and walk. Do not go to him, you foolish woman. He does not love you, and you ought not love him either!
               But before long Claudia had walked through the awaking camp, all the way to Lucius' bedside. Only, her folly was not rewarded, for he was not there. Why was he not there? Had he left her? Had he been captured in the night? Was he alright?
               Claudia cursed her paranoia when a reassuring face came into view. If Lucius was lost, Joshua would not have looked so chipper.
               'Good morning, Joshua!' she said. The old man saluted her, then asked if she had slept well. 'I did, thank you. How did you sleep?'
'My sleep was sweet, after some time in communion with God.' he answered. 'It is a good practice, to spend time with God before doing anything: be it sleeping, walking, or something far more significant.'
               Joshua's words were meek but his tone was grave, as though something was pressing on his mind. Claudia began to worry for her good friend Lucius again, when he looked her in the eye and said, 'Claudia, come. Let us walk a way. There is something I must discuss with you.'
'Joshua?' she squeaked as he turned her elbow and started away from the camp. 'Joshua, what is it? Is Lucius safe? Am I in danger?'
'No, child, nothing of that sort.'
               Claudia relaxed a little, though Joshua still seemed unsettled, and that made her heart faint.
               Confused, she waited for Joshua to go on: 'I am concerned for your zeal, Claudia.'
My zeal?
'You see, I worry that you are being tempted to sin, and I care too deeply for you to ignore it.' he said. 'You are zealous for the Lord, Claudia: a fine example for the others, and a virtuous woman. A true believer. You have become as my own daughter, and that is why I am speaking so bluntly with you.'
'Please, Joshua, be blunt. I do not yet understand your concern.' Claudia urged, wondering what 'sin' he was concerned about in particular (for she was an entirely imperfect soul at the best of times). 'I desire to please the Lord, if I can.'
'I do not doubt that you can, and will, daughter. You are a fast learner of the scriptures, and you have an earnest desire to do right. You even share your knowledge with others, which I am most glad of!'
               Joshua turned his hoary head to the woman and smiled. 'For these reasons, you cannot afford to be drawn into sin. Of course our flesh shall fail sometimes, and strive against our willing spirits until we meet with our Maker - that I fully appreciate, - but we ought to prevent this, as much as we can. We ought to starve the desires of our flesh, and feed the desires of our spirit. This way, the spirit will grow stronger, and the flesh weaker.'
               That seemed sensible enough to Claudia. Joshua continued, 'However, if we become slack, and sinful, our flesh shall thrive, and grow, while our spirit - our zeal, - will fade. It is a constant battle, Claudia. But fortunately, praise God, this battle belongs to the Lord. Through prayer and humility we may seek his help, and he will always give it.'
               Joshua paused for a moment, looking out at the sunshine beginning to warm the desert around them. Claudia took a deep breath.
'I understand to live a spiritual life, Joshua, and not a fleshly one. Though, I feel you have something more, personal, to say to me. Do you worry I am not praying enough?' she asked nervously.
               Joshua glanced at her, his old, wrinkled lips in a frown. She never expected him to say these next words.
               'No, Claudia. I worry for you, because...you are married to one man, but in love with another.'