A Second Chance

chapter thirty three

"Only an hour or two please" I spoke as Mark walked Sofia and I up to Mers doorstep

He stopped me for a moment before ringing the doorbell. Mark met my eyes and I began to sink. His eyes were beautiful.

"Are you going to tell me why you don't want to stay long" he asked

I looked away then back into his eyes "I want too but you'll probably think I'm crazy"

He caressed my cheek "I would never think you were crazy Lex"

I nodded and bit my lip "can we just please not stay long and I'll tell you when we get home"

He nodded back, before Mark opened the door I took a huge breath trying to calm myself. We were greeted by all the doctors we knew. I kept my distance and let Mark go in front of me.

He could feel how far away I was and put out his hand for me, I grabbed it and he walked us to the living room where everyone was.

I stayed by Marks side all night, sometimes Meredith would drag me away mostly so she could force me to do a shot. Everyone seemed to be having a fun time which I appreciated. It had been a bit longer than an hour and I already wanted to go home. Mark was just ending his conversation with Jackson when I took the opportunity to let him know. As Jackson walked off I tugged on Marks arm and his face turned to mine.

"Can we please go home soon" I spoke feeling so guilty, it was his night too and I was wrecking it.

He looked at me with sorrow eyes "Yeah, let me just say bye to Sofia"

I nodded and intertwined Marks hand in mine, he led us to where Sofia was. We said our goodbye to her then to everyone else.

The car ride was silent until Mark broke the silence.

"Are you going to tell me what's up?" He asked keeping his eyes focused on the road.

I knew I couldn't get out of it, not this time.

I took his hand off the gear stick and intertwined it in mine. I then sunk into the seat.

"I um, I want to celebrate" I began to tear up "but um I am scared because of what happened with the crash. I am scared that something like that will happen again and that we won't come out alive. I am scared of almost dying again and that has not allowed me to celebrate because I don't want to get so excited then die."

There was silence for a long time, Mark let go of my hand and began caressing my face.

"I understand your trauma and how you feel Lex" he spoke "it breaks my heart to hear you say that but I know why and it is something we can both work on, I won't push you and if you want to wait a while to get married then we can wait for as long as you need. I just want you to be happy Lex" he spoke

I grabbed his hand that was attached to my cheek and pulled it to my lips. I kissed it slowly "I am happy with you, I love you"

He rubbed my knuckle "I'm just sorry I ruined tonight, it was your night as well and I ruined it"

"You didn't ruin it Lex, I had fun and the wedding is more important"

I gave a weak smile and turned my head to look out the window, I listened to the radio deep in my thoughts. I hated my trauma, it haunts me all the time now I can't even be happy for myself when something good happens. I don't know how to fix it, it's like I'm drowning and I'm slowly trying to pull myself up for air.

We reached the apartment, I trailed behind Mark. Once he unlocked the door I ran straight to the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I slid down the door onto the tile pulling my feet to my chest. I heard Marks footsteps as he followed my movement but he couldn't get in.

My breathing began to get heavier as I tried to get air. Tears fell down the sides of my face and slowly started to form small puddles.

"Lex" I heard Mark call but I didn't answer

My breaths shortened and my lungs tightened, breathing started to get harder. My cries turned into wails and my chest tightened. I finally hit my breaking point and I didn't know how to fix it.

"Lexie!" Mark yelled. This was probably the tenth time he called my name I wasn't sure

My trauma will always haunt me and wreck my life. I just want help, I want to fix it.

I heard the door knob rattle and I knew Mark was going to barge through. I controlled my cries enough to scoot myself to the wall. Seconds later Mark came through and his face turned sad. He was heartbroken to see me like this. He crouched down in front of me and caressed my cheek. I continued to cry

"I'm not okay" I whispered between cries

He kissed my forehead "I know and that's okay"

He brought his hands to my face and wiped a few tears away.

"I don't know how to fix it" I whispered, my voice breaking

"That's okay, I will get you the help you need Lex" Mark replied sitting in front of me.

He pulled me into his chest and began stroking my hair then my face. He planted kisses on my hair between words.

"It's ruined me, the trauma" I cried "it's haunting me"

He brought me closer to him

"It hasn't ruined you Lex, it has made you stronger and a fighter." Mark assured me "and it unfortunately will always haunt you but that's okay because you can lean on me for support when you need it"

I moved my head closer to his chest and grabbed his hand and enclosed it in mine. We didn't talk for a long time we just stayed with each other. After a while Mark helped me up to my feet and walked me back to our room. We got dressed then climbed into bed.

"I need help" I spoke as Mark pulled me into his arms

"I will get you the help you need Lex, you're my number one priority" Mark replied giving me a final kiss before we fell asleep.