Retrocognition

20 | burning red

"You look like shit."

I can't help rolling my eyes at Ivy's brash statement. After all, for it to be the first thing she says to me, it's not necessarily the kindest greeting. However, I think I'm more annoyed by the fact that Ivy is right: I do look like shit. I barely slept through the night after waking from that strange dream . . . the nightmare felt much too real to simply be a made-up scenario or figment of my imagination. What little sleep I did manage to get was restless, keeping me on the edge of consciousness for hours.

"Thanks," I murmur to Ivy through gritted teeth. "How kind of you to point out."

"No offense, Lithie," Ben speaks up as Ivy shrugs her shoulders, peering at me with a judgemental stare, "but Ivy's right . . . Are you feeling okay? You look like you haven't slept in weeks. And you're super pale . . ."

"I'm fine," I tell Ben defensively. "I just didn't get much sleep last night. No big deal."

"What?" Ivy starts with a snort, shooting me a skeptic glance. "Did your roommate keep you up all night, or something?"

I shake my head dismissively. "I slept over at Jacob's, actually."

I watch as Ben and Ivy turn to each other, sharing stupored expressions. The blood in my veins turns to ice as they exchange looks, clearly at my expense. I don't like feeling excluded; I don't want to be the butt of some unknown joke.

"What?" I question finally, unable to take their silence any longer. "Just say it."

"Nothing," Ivy says too quickly, implying that there is definitely something going on.

I raise an eyebrow as I study Ivy, not buying her bullshit. She wavers under my stare, turning to Ben with wide eyes, as if pleading for his help. In return, Ben drops his gaze to the ground, leaving Ivy on her own.

"Look," Ivy starts to say, shaking her head as she releases an exhale that sends strands of black hair flying around her face. "It's really nothing, Blythe. It's just . . . don't you think it's a little soon? To be sleeping over at Jacob's place? I mean, it's only been a few—"

A dry laugh escapes my lips, one that I can't seem to hold back. My expression hardens as I glance at my friend, unable to believe what she has just said to me. A flash of red dances before my eyes, the color filling my veins and coursing through my system.

I'm stunned as I cut Ivy off and question, "Are you serious right now?"

Ivy's features pinch, turning pink as she rushes to explain, "That is not what I meant, Blythe, and you know that. I would never judge you like that. I just . . . worry about you. I don't want you to do anything you'll regret."

"So what makes you think I regret it?" I question boldly. I'm angry, I have to admit. I don't like what Ivy has just implied, nor do I particularly care for the judgement that lingers in her eyes.

"Blythe—"

"Lithie, I think Ivy is just saying she wants you to be careful," Ben butts in, stopping Ivy and I from further going at each other. "Things are moving really fast with you and this new dude. Neither of us want to see you get hurt. That's all. She's not meaning anything offensive."

"Yeah," Ivy agrees with Ben, bobbing her head enthusiastically. "What he said."

Part of me understands where my friends are coming from. Putting myself in their positions, I can see where their caution and suspicion comes into play. In all honesty, I can't judge them for it. After all, I don't know how I would feel if Ben or Ivy got into a relationship with someone I didn't know well, though had heard rumors about—much less someone older and rather different from their personality. It's nice to know I have people that do genuinely care about my well-being. I'm sure I would feel the same in their place.

And yet I'm still angry. I'm hurt, because I want my friends to be excited for me. I want their approval; I want them to see how happy Jacob has made me. I know they care for my well-being, but can't they see how good Jacob has been for me so far?

"You haven't even met Jacob yet," I mumble to my friends bitterly, refusing to look at them. "I just don't see how you have the right to judge."

Ivy sniffs. Risking a glance at her, I can tell that she's about to spew. Her expression has tightened, her cheeks now flaming red. It's not often that Ivy and I argue, though it has happened in the past. We're both very similar when it comes to our stubbornness and our belief that we can never be wrong in an argument.

"Well, I think you're wrong," Ivy spits. "You look like shit, Blythe. You've looked like shit for days. I can tell you're hardly putting any effort into your work on the paper. You're half-assing your assignments. Spending all your free time with a boy that—like you said—Ben and I haven't even met yet. It's like you're hiding him from us, or something. So either you're embarrassed of us, or you're embarrassed of him. Which is it?"

My rage shifts from a burning red to a blinding white heat. I narrow my eyes as I lean toward Ivy, releasing another round of humorless laughter.

"Where the fuck is that coming from?" I question in frustration. "Yeah, maybe I'm not busting my ass for the stupid paper because not all of us are spotlighted writers, Ivy. The rest of what you said is complete bullshit. I'm doing fine with my assignments, thank you. Of course I'm going to spend time with my boyfriend. As to why I haven't introduced him to you two yet, that's because you both make me feel like shit for choosing to continue dating him. If either of you seemed even the slightest bit interested in meeting him or even a little happy for me, then yes, I would bring him around."

"Oh," Ivy says with a snort, raising her eyebrows dumbfoundedly. "So Ben and I are shitty friends now? Got it."

"I didn't say—"

"Guys!" Ben interrupts. I turn to face him, having almost forgotten he was even here. He has remained abnormally quiet, obviously not wanting to get into the middle of mine and Ivy's bickering. His gaze bounces between me and Ivy, expression worn. "Come on. We're all friends here. No need to argue."

"Blythe just said we were shitty," Ivy retorts.

"No I didn't!" I exclaim with a huff. "You know what? I don't need this. I'm leaving."

I gather my things, getting ready to rise from my seat. I can feel Ivy's stare boring into me as I try my best to avoid looking at her.

"Yeah, Blythe," she murmurs. "Go hang out with your boyfriend. That's all you ever do anymore, anyway."

I hold my tongue before I can say anything I'll regret. With one last glare pointed in my friends' directions, I push my seat back and storm off.

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a/n: i haven't been able to get wattpad to work on my laptop in over a month now so i've had to use my phone and omg y'all. annoying. 💀