MY OBSESSION | P.J.M

37.

Taehyung

[Time]

I wonder how different everything would've been if we all didn't meet. If y/n and Jimin never crossed paths, if I was never introduced to them. If I only could go back to the time were we destined for all of this, how far back would I have to go? Even if I was granted the opportunity to go back in time, would I even be able to change anything? As much as I want to omit all the suffering all of us have been through, I don't believe that I would have the courage to change anything.

Truthfully, I'm no different from the man that I was the first day I met y/n. I'm no different from the day Jimin and I became friends.

When I look at how everything is, I can't help but notice that my time is over. It is not about me anymore. The sprout of my growing seedling of hope was dead a long time ago, and I was too caught up in everything else to notice that. My time passed by the moment y/n and I meet. I thought I had my time when we dated but it was never about me, it was about him. It has always been about him. I was only a replacement; something to fill the empty whole.

Was it ever about me?

I was never important, even if I experienced things that made me feel important, it was all an illusion.

I feel like I only exist for the sake of y/n and Jimin. Even now, my entire word evolves around then.

Even if my time came to me now, I wouldn't be able to live like it, as I am still glued to my past,

to their pasts.

While Jimin and y/n are branching out, I'm here watering their trees. Without them, who am I?

What about me? Was my fate created for others only?

It has been a week since y/n's interrogation. All the final paper works have been completed now that her trial's over. As expected, it took longer than usual, The trial was filled with complicated decisions as it was hard to charge y/n because of her mental illnesses.

Despite being diagnosed as clinically insane, she was still charged with murder. After all she did kill someone. It was settled that she will be placed in a mental asylum and she's been dealing with the whole process of hospitalization for a few days now.

She's been refusing to get extra help from anyone. She hasn't been complying with her doctors and won't eat any of her meals. Seeing her like this makes me rethink if I should've lied like that. Maybe she would've held up better if she knew that Jimin's still alive. Every time I go to visit her she has empty blank eyes as if she never felt alive. She only answers my questions if there are in one way or another related to Jimin.

This day was different from the rest- she personally requested to go for a walk today, she claimed that her cell made her brain feel fuzzy. Nothing about that surprised me, however being told that she wanted to speak to me was something I almost didn't expect.

I was informed that the nurses walked her to the park and that she would be waiting for me by a bench. I hurried my way there while I felt my heartbeat with every step that I took. I watched the wind caress her face, I watched the wind ripple through the fabrics of her attire. I saw how the wind touched her skin, I saw the sun kiss her eyes. To say a feeling of jealousy did not wash over me would turn me into a lair.

I am jealous of the love she used to give me.

I was jealous of the fact that I once used to have her. That she once had me.

I walked next to her and stood there, not daring to speak up. She decided to break the silence. "Are you even real?" She laughed as if she just told me a joke but I knew she was not jesting.

"Is there a way to prove that I'm real to you?" I laughed the same way she did, but I was not jesting either. I felt myself anticipating her answer. I wondered if I still had a place in her heart.

Even if I don't deserve to wonder, I still hoped that she didn't erase me completely from her heart. "What should I even believe in? If I manage to think my illusions were real, I have no reason to believe that anything right now is." She looked up. "I mean, what if you too are a form of coping mechanism?"

I didn't know what to tell her. I wanted to comfort her, but can I really do that? The one she wants is not me.
Will it ever be me again?

"Well, you're at the very least lucky to have survived the accident y/n." I tried to find the positive in the negative. "Many don't come out alive."

She didn't answer for a while. I honestly didn't expect her to answer at all. "Is that what you think about all of this? That I'm lucky?" She played with her nails. "Do you even know how much I suffered?"

I did, too.

"I can only imagine."

She laughed. "Really?" I didn't need to look at her to know that she was mad. "Can you really do that? Is my situation so uncomplicated that you can so easily imagine the suffering I've been through?"

"That's not-"

"Don't bother. It's useless trying to explain yourself. It's my fault for expecting good things from you." The funny thing was that I fully agreed with the way she was treating me. She had every right to be upset. She had every right to be upset with me. Still, there was a part of me that wanted to fall onto my knees and tell her everything. When I saw how she furrowed her eyebrows, I wanted to tell her every secret so the lines between her brows would disappear. But I had no right to do that. I stood still and listened to wind blowing through the leaves.

"I wanted to ask you one more thing about Jimin." She shyly adds. "You told me he had big dreams for the future, can you tell me what his dreams were?"

I sat down next to her and told her what I remembered about that matter. I saw something spark within her eyes every time I said his name. I know that I should feel happy seeing that, but why do I feel my heart sink instead?

Is guilt the reason why I'm doing all of this for y/n? The reason why I'm acting like this?

Maybe if I wasn't suffering, I would've been good. Good to myself and most importantly, good to her. I didn't treat her right whatsoever after her accident and lately, I can't shake off the idea that it might've been my fault that she turned out like this.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but deep down I wanted her to care for me the way that she did for him.

It feels like her love left me too many yesterday's ago.

~D
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