MY OBSESSION | P.J.M

45.

Y/n

[My Jimin]

I lay down on my stomach while mentally replaying what happened today. Sometimes, I look at the door and wonder if he's waiting on the other side with my heart in his hand. I rest my forehead on the couch pillow and smile to myself at the mere thought that I saw him. Well, even if it wasn't him, even if I only imagined him, I have never felt as alive as I did in that moment.

I cannot pretend that his absence doesn't bother me anymore. I know that I'm growing jealous of the casket that embraces his body. I know that I'm growing jealous of the grave that holds his body.

I am jealous, because why can the earth hold him close, whilst I can only hold him close in memory?

Why is it fair that I only get to have fragments of him? Whilst the ground has every hair strand and bone of him?

Of course, there still is a part of me that believes he's breathing but somehow, the mere thought of his possible existence is causing great havoc in my heart.

I jerk my head up when a thought of a different kind pops up in my head. I try to remember where I placed my phone and reach for it so I could call the only number I have left.

I make sure to put it on speaker mode before placing my phone next to my head. "Hello?" The sound of his voice brings me comfort. I wish to be repulsed by him, but I cannot bring myself to feel such grotesque feelings.

I turn around and stare at the ceiling.

I don't answer back. I start smiling instead, mentally debating on whether I should tell him or not.

How will he react? Will he be just as happy as I am? Or will he be terrified, like me? It only takes me a few seconds to cave in,  "Guess what." It sounded less like a question than I wanted to.

He doesn't hesitate to start guessing. "Did something bad happen? Are you hurting yourself? Are you-"

"No!" I quickly add. "Matter of fact, something strange yet exciting happened." I stack my hands on top of each other right above my chest. It was a strange experience, right? I've imagined Jimin before, but that was when I was unstable and unwell, I'm doing completely different now.

I hear him sigh on the other end before answering. "Like what." it wasn't even a question at this point, but rather a statement.

I hear a door close on his end of the call and I start to feel hesitant again, "I think..." What if he decides to put me back in? No, he wouldn't do that. "I saw someone that looks just like Jimin today."

Silence.

I roll over to see if I'm still connected with him. "Hello?" I call out after seeing his name still on my phone screen. Why isn't he answering?

"That's... crazy." He laughs, which makes me laugh as well. I can't tell if he thinks the situation sounds crazy or me.

"I know right?" I agree with him. "I was speculating that I was imagining things again but I took my medicine so that can't be the case."

"'You sure? Maybe the meds aren't working anymore."

"Nah, I'm certain that they do, I haven't been able to even force myself to imagine things these past weeks. Like seriously, he just really looked like him, that's all really." I nervously laugh. He doesn't think I've gone mad again, right?

"Did you... approach him?" He's cherry-picking his questions like always.

I furrow my eyebrows. "Are you crazy? I might be clinically out of my mind but I would never go up to talk to a stranger like that." What if he wasn't a stranger?

I hear him laugh again. "Stranger danger, am I right?"

"I'm not five."

"You behave like one."

"I'm hanging up if you continue acting like this."

"Jeez, sorry." He genuinely laughs this time around, which makes my heart stop beating for a split second. I know that I don't love him, but I know that he still has a piece of my heart that he stole from me.

I know that he never actually loved me, even when we were dating. He told me during one of his visits to the asylum that he was in a relationship because the doctors recommended him to play pretend. I had apparently thought he was my boyfriend the second I woke up, and to avoid causing me any distress, the doctors said it would be good if he acted like we were together and then break up once I came back to my senses.

To bad that today never really came until it was too late.

"I know that you're having a hard time y/n." He speaks up. "To be frank, I am also struggling."

I'm willing to accept that I'll never escape from Jimin, even in death, my soul and mind will always belong to him.

"He meant a lot to you, too."

I know it's delusional, but I will hold onto hope and wait for him to come back to me.

"We will get through it together, I promise."

I don't want to get through it, I want to be stuck in it. I want to be stuck in Jimin, I want to become one with him. I don't want him to be something of the past. I want him now and in the future. I want him.

I loved him enough to ruin me. But I also loved him so much that I want to heal myself.

"Perhaps so." I look at the door again and wonder if he's somewhere out there behind that door.

"Take care, I have to go now."

"You, too." I hang up and spread across the couch. Maybe, I should be grateful that I, at the very least, have memories to look back on. In that way, I'm able to store him in my heart and mind for as long as I can. In that way, he is still mine.

I'll wait for Jimin,

my Jimin.

~D

Belated happy new year!

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