Love is for Losers

Chapter 8

-Abagail 

          I don't even know where we are anymore. We stopped at a rest stop when we got out of town, in which I took the chance and curled myself up in the fetal position in the backseat. Jessica doesn't bother me and she doesn't seem to sleep. She's getting caffieneted on coffee every morning from gas stations, while I'm sleeping way too much. I don't know how long it has been. I don't know why this hurts so much. Am I grieving or falling into depression? Is this feeling of wanting to disappear normal or is this suicidal thoughts? Is this normal? I know it's perfectly normal to mourn after losing your child but is this full extent normal? I haven't eaten. Only thing I have been able to consume is random water bottles that Jessica pulls out of nowhere and forces me to drink. 

        The last time I changed my clothes was the day after losing my angel. I changed into a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt that Jessica gave me. My dirty blonde hair is greasy and gross,  my face oily, and I'm filthy in general.. but who cares? I never even got to hear her first words, to braid her hair on the first day of school, to teach her how to ride a bike outside of the apartment complex, to help her pick out her first Homecoming dress, and to be there for her in life. 

        I never got to see her Emerald green eyes light up when she spoke about someone she loved. I never got to embarress her infront of her friends. Never got to see her awkwardly introduce me to her first boyfriend and to hold her as she cried after that relationship ended. So many things  I never got to see in that angel's lifetime. The lifetime that was cut so short because her mother was irresponsible and stupid. It kills me that the last time I saw my baby girl, she was crying and reaching for me as I put her in her crib then hurried to pack. 

      I lift my head and open my eyes. The world seems so bright and the sky outside is still a bright blue. There are so clouds today. I lean up and stare out the window. I can feel Jess's eyes on me so I glance back at her and she quickly looks away. I sigh, "Jess, you don't have to stay away from me like I'm contagious". She hesitates and looks at me worringly, "I'm afraid you're going to do something stupid." I'm suddenly both confused and offended, "What do you mean something stupid?" She stutters, "Oh um I mean like uh well.." then she stops. I debate on calling her a bitch and leaving but I just say calmly, "Jessica. Stop this car." 

       She looks at me confused and starts apologizing quickly. "Abs, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you or whatever, I'm so sorr-" I interrupt her by yelling, "STOP THIS CAR, JESSICA"                            Tears well up in her eyes but she still pulls over to the side of the road and puts the car in brake. She stares forward so I'm not sure if she's crying or not, but right now, I don't really care. I pull the handle, grab the keys from the ignition, and climb out of the car. I open the trunk, grab my two small bags and slam the trunk closed. Jessica is climbing out of the SUV as I am walking toward her. I don't speak to her as I toss the keys into the seat.

     She's silent but watching me walk away. I can't do this anymore. There's no point anymore. I walk many miles until I reach a car rental company. I pick a random car and give them the wad of cash. I sign the paper work then they finally give me the key. I end up driving out of the lot with a black 1967 Chevy Impala. I pay for a four day rental. I drive in eery silence. I know I'm alone but I feel so empty that I think maybe I am contagious. My thoughts are silent now. It's an uncomfortable car ride back home. 

-

Once, I reach out apartment complex, the town and nearby towns are completely destroyed. I put my stuff back into the drawers and closet. I sit down on our patio and numbingly, eat a steak and corn on the cob that I had just grilled. After I am finished with me meal, I go back inside and take a hot shower. I'm in there until the water becomes cold and I get out. Drying myself and wrapping the towel around my body. Brushing my hair, washing my face, doing my makeup, and other basic neccesities of my daily routine. I walk into Mia and I's bedroom, stare down at the crib and allow myself to cry for a little while. Then I fix my makeup, putting on my combat boots, and a white sundress with navy blue polka dots. 

    Stepping infront of my mirror, I smile at myself, at finally looking beautiful in a not so beautiful time. I stare at myself for about four minutes then I walk straight out the door and back to the Impala. I sit in the car for a moment. A moment to breathe. To run my hands across the smooth but dusty dash. I take a deep breath and start the car. I'm driving. The destination is only minutes away. Tears start to drip down my cheeks slowly then all at once. Whispering that it's okay, to myself. I wipe the tears from my cheeks and park the Impala in the lot of a buffet that sits near the bridge. The place actually got a lot of buisness from tourists and from students from the highschool down the road, ya know, before everything went to hell. I get out of the car and close the door behind me. Some people still continue on with their lives but most are dead or long gone. I run my hand down the railing as I walk the sidewalk that safely outlines the bridge. 

        Once I reach the middle, I cross my arms and lean against the railing. I stare off at the waters below then take a deep breath. Saying, "I hope you're having the best time of your life wherever you are" I climb up on the railing and begin to get dizzy and shake from fear of heights. Suddenly, regretting this decision. There's no one to help me down. I begin crying like a little girl. Then realize why I wanted to do this in the first place. For Mia. For Mia. I close my eyes and whisper to myself, "For Mia" as I allow myself to fall forward.