My Garden of Hopeful Thoughts

Progress

You know, sometimes the guilt I feel from being accepted makes me want to vomit
In a household where I have to constantly defend my sexuality and "why I am this way", this newfound acceptance makes it almost seem to good to be true

As I can't talk to my sister about the lectures and comments given by my parents to me, because the same lectures were 10 times worse
And I can't help but wonder if this acceptance is a front for being scared of me hating my own mother into adulthood
Or if its actual progress that she's trying

But when she came home and got excited about buying me a flag, it took a lot for me to not cry right then and there

The look of shame that came upon her face when I hung up my own flag was absent when she held out this new one

And though it is such a sweet gesture, I can't help but feel unworthy of it
Because I've come to terms that she'll never agree or like my sexuality, and that not everyone will
And I've become comfortable with my identity

But my sister has not
And those times when she got a bible thrown at her and grounded for seeing a girl are one of the reasons why she has trauma now, and refuses to label herself
Because she sees it as shameful

As much as I loved seeing my mom accept me, even if it was just a small amount
I simply dont need it as much as my sister does

But their relationship has never been great and I doubt either one would agree to give or accept such a gift
I wish I could lend some of my acceptance to her

Even though she hurt me, she's still my sister
And deserves love and acceptance
I cant help but feel guilty for getting the flag

My heart goes out to any and everyone who feels that they are not accepted by family and loved ones, this is a safe space and you all are valid:)