My Garden of Hopeful Thoughts

The Harshness Of Winter

You said it would be hard
You said you'd change
And I was unphased, at first

I hoped that somewhere along the way it would come back
That euphoric feeling of love
That drug I crave

But it didn't
And yes, I love you
But I can't feel it
And I know I should

I held on and hoped
Cried many nights because you're just so perfect and I was fucked up
Not feeling anything?

What is this?
I hate being a basic white bitch who gets abandoned and stops feeling, but here we are

I wish I could hate you
I wish I could despise you and want to break something when I think of you
But I don't

And I know why

Because even though you left and gave up
You showed me what love is
You showed me what it's supposed to look like
You stayed for a long time and didn't just leave when it was inconvenient for you

You loved me
You protected me
You were there and you were honest

And I think deep down I know that you've brought me much more joy than pain
And I know I begged you not to leave, but you're not going to change your mind

Instead I cry and throw myself into anything else
I have to force myself to look somewhere else than your road or the stuff I've made you
I have to erase all the great memories and hopes for us because you didn't think we were worth it

Everyone leaves
I'm always too much of something for everybody and at the same time, never enough to make them happy

This is not a personal attack
This is a thank you
For loving me and being kind
For protecting me and being there

And dont say "I told you, you would get over it"
Because I won't
I can't feel anything right now, but when I can I know I'll be at a loss for everything

I'll breakdown and push myself into this "get over it, I'm fine" state while crying in the bathroom
But you won't care
And you won't help because we're done

And it's fine
I mean I couldn't be the person you wanted
I couldn't sit there and be ignored and be okay with it
I couldn't adjust to this barely talking

And for the last time stop saying "it's just hard"
Because if you have the energy to snap someone back, to have an actual real life conversation with a person, and travel to a new state to see someone
You damn well can text me back

But you're just gonna get mad and defensive because I'm supposed to be understanding and shit
Well, I'm sorry but no

I've been going through shit myself and I'm not going to allow being ignored
Covid, cancer, pressure of parents and friends to be everyone's therapist and lifeline, my sister and her drugs, school
I'm allowed to be going through shit too and I'm allowed to want to talk to somebody

And you wouldn't let it be you

I get it
I'm not a great person
But I try

I'm not sorry for being angry
You left me and I'm hurt by that

So take this as a peace offering
I dont think we can be friends quite yet, but it would be nice to talk to you and catch up