The mirror behind me

Chapter 8

At this time Im really needing someone to talk to. I feel the need to go to Austin. Perhaps it was just to feel nearer to him
I definitely wasn't going to be alone there. Overall I was feeling the need to get high. But I couldn't just get up and go. I had too many depending on me there at home. I still had to get my car together. I wanted to pay my respect to him and his family. Mainly his daughter he also had another daughter .

I have only seen her a couple of times. Once as a baby and once or twice as she had gotten older.

My granddaughters, and my Son and I all attended his funeral. Sitting in the back was awkward for me. considering how close we were. I was asked by his niece to come closer. But I didn't want to upset the family. Since they thought of me as a streetwalker.

I never had any confrontation with his family. His sister and I were pretty close. his niece, I liked.  His daughter has a son and brother That is family too. I am proud of them both. Ben always wanted to be remembered. Well, he will never be forgotten, that's for sure.

After saying goodbye to Ben. I knew in my heart, that there will never be another man like him. He left me feeling much loved. So, I seek no other. I know how he made me feel whole again when I lost my husband. Knowing they're both looking down and wishing me the best, Im ok.

Overall this made me realize, how important family is. Blood doesn't make you family, loving and caring for each other those. Seeing the hurt in my grandbabies, proved that. Today I wake up every morning and strive on loving the next person even more. Doing what I can to make life more pleasant.

As my tears are invisible to the naked eye, The love for those I've lost has helped me grow inside. Although this world is bigger than I. I've grown larger than it. I feel like Im in control. This demon inside just refuses to let me go. Knowing my God is in control, I feel no need to give up, but try to reach my destiny.

As I made those useless trips to Austin. I would look around and see lost souls. I watched how they hustle for their next hit, as though it was the breath inside them. I knew I didn't belong there. Neither did they. Again and again, I asked myself, how did I get here.No one ever shared that story. Knowing there was no future in it.

I looked at the dealers, knowing their life was just a merry-go-round. With no riders. It was all just a life of pain, for us all, with an unknown cure. We all had become a human shell without direction. With one purpose. Making decisions unconsciously. Not knowing the pain that our loved ones shared with us. Only existing day by day. Some have no shame in it all. While others hide with shame.

I lost focus after feeling overwhelmed. I made a wrong turn and went back to the hood. I began to make some bad financial decisions. Luckily my son came to my rescue. I was grateful.

You think that would have been a wake-up call. I paid no attention to the signs. My addiction was on the rise. My trips to Austin started interfering with my responsibilities at home. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I was being very selfish. I thought somehow that things would be different. I knew the outcome, for some reason I had no control. It was like I would transform into someone else, the closer I got to Austin. And then things had gotten to the point, I didn't feel the need to return home. I loved my babies. I never had intentions of letting them down. They had no idea what I was at battle with. It was too shameful to share it with them.

It's not easily forgotten where you have been for the last decade. When you're in the streets, you need a support system. Someone to let you in out of the cold. To feed you when you're hungry. To allow you to rest when it's needed. Most of all someone you feel safe among. I had those types of friends. My friend took my daughter in, shortly after she had returned from fort Worth. Before she had gotten on her own. Today they're still friends.

When I was in rehab, I had been staying with an older man, Sadly he died why I was in rehab. I was on a hospital bed after I had thrown my arm out of place, playing volleyball. I actually saw him walk by and wave to me. Not knowing he had passed away.

While in Austin, I felt free. But it wasn't where I should have been. I just felt like I had no plans for my life. Everything I did was to help everyone, except myself. I just needed a break. I had gotten into a situation where I needed to be able to start off where I was before I left home. Because I knew the expectations when I returned home.

I wasn't hanging out with my normal group of friends. I was with a different group of people. I knew them from the past. Just wasn't as close of a friend. Besides my friend Larry. We actually had gotten really close, My closest was alive then, he was happy to know Larry was looking out for me.

Larry and Sharon, Were my closest friends, we would all sit and sleep in the car. She had a home. But she preferred to hang out with me, for days. Sadly she lost her husband during this time. So many were losing their lives. You see them one day, and the next day they're gone.

I had been away from home so long, about three weeks now. I made effort to get myself together. Part of me wanted to stay. That was my addiction. Others knew I had a home, and couldn't understand, why I was still in the hood.

I was becoming quite disappointing with myself. It was like I was in a nightmare, and couldn't come out of it. While sitting in the parking lot of Wells store with a friend. It was after hours, hardly anyone around, and strangely quiet. Especially for this area and time. Across the street from the store, use to be a church call Ministries of Challenge. At this time it was closed to the public. I looked over toward the church and saw some very tall people standing around. Look over there, I said. Does it looks like two people, very tall standing on side of the building? one with a white long gown. He answered and said, Yell, I thought I was tripping.

I then looked into the rearview mirror of my car and saw the face of something I've never seen before. It was similar to a lion. But very scary. I knew then what was happening. My veil, I thought. The man sitting next to me was called New York. He was called Reverend. I was amazed that he too saw what I saw. Only kept quiet about it because he didn't think I could see or would even believe him. That made me feel more comfortable with him. Others didn't understand.

I was beginning to think maybe I had died, while in the hood, and this is where I will be for eternity. I say this because I've made so many attempts to go home and nothing was working.

Is this a sign? I feel at this point, it's time for me to make a choice. I knew then that the streets were not for me. Perhaps that's the reason why I always felt like I was targeted, while on the eastside.

After going thru a lot of changes, I couldn't do it anymore. This is not my Life, I said to myself. My friend and I both knew that our families were starting to worry about us. I took Sharon home. After a few days later, I eventually went back home too. When I made it home, it was like everything and everybody was angry at me.

And then I remembered why I left.!!!!!! I have also seen the importance of me being home, looking out for my babies. I was really feeling bad. Overall they are my priority, in my life.

I was sick of the streets. I've always thanked and put God before anything I do.No matter what I was doing. Some smokers hated me speaking about God. I didn't understand that, because God can see everything.

As the School year, 2019 comes to an end. My second grandchild, has graduated. I am so proud of her.