Perfection is everything

Chapter 5

(Dipper pov)

I slowly peel my eyes open, my head pounding like someone was smashing it with a hammer over and over. I look up and see Bill peacefully sleeping, his hair messy and his arms loosely wrapped around me. Waking up like this is actually a first for me. There were other people besides James but none of them really mattered and I always left when it was over and I wasn't fully satisfied. But Bill is different, he makes me feel warm inside for the first time.

Hearing a faint vibration I manage to get out of his arms without waking him. I lean over the side of the bed and see my phone in the pocket of my jeans on the floor vibrating. I grab it along with my boxers seeing it's James calling. Gulping nervously I glance at Bill before I go to the connected bathroom and wait until the door is silently closed and locked before I answer the call. "Hi James." I make sure to keep my voice down to not wake Bill since his room is just on the other side of the door.

"Why are you so quiet? Is someone in my apartment?"

"No no no. I just woke up and haven't had my morning coffee yet so I'm not fully awake and my head hurts."

"What happened to your head?"

"Nothing I just couldn't sleep so I went for a walk last night. Must have caught a cold."

"I have told you not to leave the house after 7."

"I know it was my fault it was a stupid idea."

"You enjoying the place to yourself?"

"It's lonely without you here."

"Be your own person for once. No one likes a clingy bitch who can't do anything for themself."

"Yes sir....." I mutter as I pull my boxers on again.

"I'll call you tomorrow. And don't forget to take your shake." He hangs up before I can even say goodbye.

I open the bathroom door and shriek a bit in surprise seeing Bill standing there. "Ah!"

"Sorry, I probably should have knocked....."

"No no no it's your bathroom, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you-"

"You didn't, I woke up on my own and thought we could use some advil is all."

"Oh....right....."

"If you want to grab it I will get us started on some coffee." He heads downstairs. I open the medicine cabinet grabbing the advil bottle before heading back downstairs to see him making coffee along with bacon and eggs. "Were you on the phone with your husband?"

"Yeah, he just wanted to check in......he does it daily whenever he's away for more than a day....."

"How did you meet him?" He pours coffee into two mugs and hands me one.

"Our parents introduced us as kids and we became friends. When we hit high school we became closer and started going out. During my first year of college is when he propsosed and we have been married since."

"No rough patches."

"None he tells people about......but during senior year there were a few times I thought he was a bit obssesive about where I was constantly and would be mad if I couldn't be on the phone with him at all hours of the night......I would call it off but a day or two later we would be together again. He would insist that I was always just overreacting and being irrational."

"He was gaslighting you."

"No no I wouldn't call it that-"

"When did he start hurting you?"

"W-What? What makes you possibly think he would hurt me?"

He softly grabs my wrist and turns my arm showing the various bruises that have been covering my arm for a long time. "I noticed these at the bar but thought it wasn't the right place or time to bring it up. You were scared to touch me last night when we got intamite. Has he been sexually assaulting you too?" I look away not answering feeling tears in my eyes. "Why don't you tell someone, Dipper? Why do you always defend him?"

"Because it isn't that simple." I pull my arm away as I finally look at him. "My dad died a few years ago and my mom adores him. If I tried to talk to her she would just agree with him. To her he's a better son than me. And I don't want my sister to know, she has been saying for years how much of a perfect couple we are. How am I supposed to tell her that everything is a lie and I wish most days that I could just die so that it would end? How am I supposed to tell anyone that?"

He sets his cup down and gently pulls me to his chest as tears leak down my face. "Shh it's okay. I want to help you, just please give me time to figure something out. Okay?"

"Okay....."

He sits me at the table as he puts a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me. "When was the last time you ate something you liked and that he didn't insist you eat?"

"......three years ago I think......that's when I finished college and that is when he got particular about the things I ate."

".....What about when he started hurting you?" He sits himself across from me.

"......a month after being married.....I was out with Pacifica and when I got back he was angry. He kept insisting that I was cheating on him and I kept trying to tell him that Pacifica is just my friend. He wouldn't believe me and that is when he hit me for the first time. I thought he would regret or realize what he did but he didn't. He just kept hitting me over and over again until he locked me in the closet. He didn't let me out for 3 whole fucking days."

"Jesus fucking christ......"

"When he did let me out he laid down rules. That if I didn't follow his rules I would be punished. I was willing to do everything just to not be hurt again. But his rules are so fucking hard and difficult to follow."

"What are his rules?"

"Pretty much the gist of them is that I have to do everything he says no matter what, that I have to be perfect and can't make any kind of mistakes. If I do he hits me and locks me in the closet again.....if I complain or he hears me hyperventilating in there he'll keep me locked in for even longer.....It's at a point where my own thoughts and feelings aren't even mine, I don't choose anything for myself anymore. He does and I let him because it's easier than to try and fight him."

"Dipper, please let me help you."

I look down at my plate of food I barely touched. ".....I have to go....I need to clean up the apartment before he comes home in a few days....." I get up and head back upstairs.

I grab my jeans and shirt pulling them on along with my jacket and sneakers. I finish getting dressed just as he comes in. "Dipper wait, you need help and you know it."

"There is no help for people like me."

"What is that supposed-"

"You know how many woman are victims of domestic abuse?"

"1 in 3."

"And you know how many men are victims of the same thing?"

"I-I don't-"

"1 in 4. 24% of men have to deal with this and no one ever talks about it just because we're men, we are supposed to be manly and able to deal with things on our own. Sure we are always the abusers but apparently we can never be abused."

"Dipper please-"

"And don't even get me started on what percentage of those are gay men. People care more about helping innocent woman than they do someone like me. If I go to a cop and try to explain my situation to them they will look at me like a waste of their time and do fucking nothing. I have no one to help."

I get up and go to leave when he grabs my arm. "You have me.....can I at least call you at some point?"

".....I will text you when I can....." He gives me one last soft kiss on the lips before he lets me go and I leave before I can change my mind.