Jester (Man x Man) ✔

4) i d i o t s

Eli leaned his forehead on the cold ceramic tiles, bracing himself to get up from the bathroom floor. Still, every time he lifted his head from the tiles, it started throbbing like a second heartbeat. And when he opened his eyes, it made the room spin sickeningly. There was nothing but acid left in Eli's stomach, but the nausea didn't show any signs of easing down.

When Eli finally made it to his feet, it felt like his legs weighed tons and he had to take support from the walls as he staggered to the kitchen. He still hadn't texted Benjamin, like he had promised and it was better to do that before he'd call an ambulance. 

"Dammit, I'm an idiot." Eli mumbled to himself and poured a glass of water with trembling hands. Then he made coffee, which took him forever, since he needed to lean on the kitchen counter and stop to take deep breaths more often than not. 

While Eli waited for the coffee to be ready he texted Benjamin: "Still alive."

They had had their little talk, before Benjamin left and although he had seemed wounded by Eli's decision he had promised to obey his will. With one condition: Eli had to text him every two hours, till he went to work, to let Benjamin know he hadn't done anything to himself. Apparently Benjamin was afraid to have a rerun from their first night together.

Eli took a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes with him to his balcony. The day had just started to dawn, when Eli lit a cigarette, sitting on a worn lawn chair, and took a sip of his coffee. He was freezing without his jacket, but he didn't mind. The chill air against his skin and the coldness of his hands made him feel alive.

For the millionth time Eli wanted to smack himself in the face and curse his foolishness. He had been managing with the help of his new antidepressants, but the only thing that had actually made him happy was to see Benjamin again. As soon as he had locked his gaze with Benjamin's, he had felt a rush of joy and excitement. 

Eli had wanted to spend the night with him, and surprisingly it had little to do with sex and everything to do with the fact he had missed Benjamin. The night had been amazing, worth all the waiting. Eli had hoped it would never end and he had kept prolonging it by making them take round after round in bed, until it became physically impossible to keep going. And even though the sex was just a small fracture of Eli's enthusiasm, that too was a bliss. Of course it was with Benjamin. 

Before Eli had kissed him the last time, he had wanted to say something like: "You make me so happy, Benjamin."But the words had gotten stuck in his mouth, so he had kissed him instead.

Yet, during that kiss Eli had realised how much Benjamin had already started to mean to him and how painful it would be if Benjamin told him he didn't want to keep seeing each other. And so, with his broken logic, Eli had blurted out the words: "I don't think we should see each other again."

Now that Benjamin was gone, Eli felt like a drained air balloon. Just some hours ago he had been so happy, bubbling with joy, and now he had crashed back to the ground. He wasn't even sad, just really, really empty. And he could blame no one but himself. 

••••

"How many times do I have to say it? You're either on time or you're fired." Eli's boss barked. It was true, Eli was late, but only for 2 minutes.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kaplan. It won't happen again." Eli apologised and hurried to the staff room to change into his working clothes: a grey mesh polo shirt, a black apron, black sneakers and oxford blue trousers. He could hear Mr. Kaplan mumbling about him being no good and irresponsible, but just like every other day he let it go in one ear and out the other.

Eli started his shift by stocking shelves and making sure everything in the small convenience store was in order and spotless. The job itself wasn't horrible, but Eli hated his boss, to whom nothing he did was good enough. Eli wasn't even sure why Mr. Kaplan had employed him in the first place, since he seemed to despise everything about him. He never failed to point out how ugly Eli's tattoos were or if he missed even a tiny spot while cleaning. 

It was one of those days Eli felt like curling in bed and pretending he didn't exist at all. He had tossed around in bed unable to fall asleep, until his alarm had rang and he had forced himself to get ready for work. On days like that, existing felt particularly tiring. Eli hadn't failed to notice he was having 'those days' more and more regularly again.

A month ago he had tried to kill himself and two weeks ago he had told Benjamin they shouldn't see each other again. Eli couldn't help thinking he was living on borrowed time, and although he had been given another chance in life it didn't exactly feel like a gift. On top of that Mr. Kaplan certainly didn't build up his will to life.

So, Eli did what he always did when things got particularly tough: he got lost in his own worlds. He could make endless scenarios with his favorite characters from books and series, or create his own. There were no idiot bosses, no pushing away the only people who could make life bearable and, above all, no Eli. That's how he got through his days.

"Can I get one coffee on the go? Black, no sugar." Eli was brought back to present when he heard a familiar voice behind the counter.

When Eli turned to face the cash register and his customer, they both halted on their spot staring at each other. Benjamin looked like he wanted to turn on his heels and run away, but it was already too late for that.

"Hi, Benjamin." Eli gave him a brief smile, trying not to show how awkward he was feeling, and started making the coffee.

"So.. you work here?" Benjamin asked slowly, yet again rubbing the back of his neck. Having him so close, yet not being allowed to touch him, made Eli's heart ache.

"Yup." Eli gave Benjamin the disposable cup, filled with steaming black liquid. After Benjamin had paid for the drink, they just stood there looking at each other awkwardly. They opened their mouths simultaneously, both about to say something. 

"Benjamin, I —" Eli began at the same time as Benjamin said: "Eli, I'm —", but they were cut short.

"Eli, get you lazy-ass here right now!" Mr. Kaplan barked from the backroom. He sounded so enraged it almost made Benjamin drop his coffee, but Eli just sighed.

"I've gotta go, sorry.. Enjoy your coffee." He gave Benjamin another brief smile and rushed to the backroom.

When Eli was listening to Mr. Kaplan's diatribe, he decided it was time to use his other coping mechanism; something that would get him through the night. He was going to get drunk. Shit-faced, as in slurring gibberish and stumbling home in the small hours.