Jester (MxM) ✔

31) s i r e n s

part two
nepenthe

"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close."

– Pablo Neruda –

chapter thirty-one
s i r e n s

Benjamin backed out of the door, not bothering to explain anything to Steven because there was no time. A moment ago he had thought that Eli was gone, but now there was only one clear thought in his mind: he's not gone until I say so.

His heart sank when he heard sirens closing from a distance, but he told himself it had nothing to do with Eli. It wasn't too late yet, and if he had saved Eli once, he could do it again. But there was still a horrifying sense of doom inside him, a fear that this time he would lose Eli for good.

Benjamin tried calling, but the line was occupied, so he had no idea where to start looking for Eli. Instead he just stood on the sidewalk, wildly glancing around. The sound of the sirens was closing by and Benjamin felt a chill running up his spine. He was shaking violently, nauseated and bursting with adrenalin. 

He had never believed in God, and he had never even thought of praying, but in that hapless moment it was all he could think of. Benjamin lifted his gaze up to the sky and pressed his eyes shut: if there's anyone in there, please don't let him die. I'll give anything, just don't take him away from me.

Then he opened his eyes and caught a movement — high above him. So high it was a miracle he could see it in the darkness of the night. There, dangling over the edge of a rooftop, were two legs clothed in black jeans and old combat boots. That was all Benjamin could see from there, but he knew instantly it was Eli sitting at the edge of the building.

When Benjamin sprinted across the street, he could see the red and blue lights of the police cars, but it barely made him bat an eye. Instead he kept running and jerked the main door open. It wasn't locked, so at least there was something good coming his way. Benjamin pushed the elevator button, but it was taking too long and he opted to take the stairs instead.

His legs started burning by the third floor and he was panting loudly, but he kept running. His mind was teeming with thoughts, blaming him for being so blind. 

How did we get back to this? 

How the fuck could I ignore the signs?

How did I not see how bad it was?

Why did I let him walk away like that?

Then Benjamin was on the top floor, his chest heaving and heart throbbing when he opened the metallic door that led to the rooftop. It wasn't locked either, which made him wonder if Eli had hoped for someone to follow him. To tell him not to do anything stupid. 

"Eli!" Benjamin shouted over the wind that was fierce up there. He wanted to run to him, but opted not to make any hasty movements.

"I did that." Eli told him bluntly, looking down over the edge. Benjamin inched towards him to see what he was talking about. There were two police cars, hastily parked in front of FAB. "I wanted him to burn in the flames he set ablaze, I wanted to break him like he broke me, but.."

Eli started laughing, almost hysterically, and turned to look at Benjamin: "Nothing happened. Logan just told me he couldn't go through it — he saved me again. And now he's going to jail because of me, what am I supposed to think of that?"

"Why don't you come away from the edge?" Benjamin suggested, holding his breath. He wasn't sure what Eli was talking about, but his priority was to get him safe.

"All this time I've been lying to you. I broke your fucking heart for this." Eli stood up, hovering by the edge. Benjamin felt like he was going to throw up, but he was too scared to lunge for him.

"Please, Eli, come away from the edge." Benjamin pleaded shakily.

"Oh." Eli said, his eyes widening like he only just realized where he was standing. "I was going to, but.. I don't really think I want to die."

Benjamin held out his hands, staring at Eli. He didn't even notice how tears streaked his cheeks, dripping from his chin to the ground around his feet. If there was only one thing he knew in that moment, it was that if Eli died he would die too. Maybe Eli could see that from his eyes, since he started taking slow, hesitant steps towards him.

"I'm sorry." Eli cried out as he threw himself in Benjamin's arms. Relief washed over Benjamin with such intensity his legs gave away under him and they stumbled to sit on the roof. He squeezed his arms around Eli's waist and started sobbing.

"If you ever do that again, I swear I'm going to kill you." Benjamin cursed and buried his face in the crook of Eli's neck.

••••

By the time they made it home, it was already starting to dawn. Benjamin was simultaneously so tired he could have crashed the second he saw his bed and so high from adrenalin that his body was throbbing with nervous exuberance.

After the hours spent on the rooftop in the chilly wind, they were both freezing, so Benjamin prepared a bath for them. Although Eli was lost in his thoughts and had grown quiet, he seemed more present when Benjamin was holding him in his arms. He washed Eli's hair, which was in need of a haircut, and Eli's eyes fluttered shut. Then they had steaming cups of rooibos, even though neither of them was big on tea. 

"We need some ground rules." Benjamin seized Eli's hand and pulled him towards the bedroom. "The first one is: no more sleeping on the floor." He took Eli to the bed and Eli didn't fight back. Maybe he was sick and tired of the floor as well.

"The second.." Benjamin laid down next to Eli, hugged him close and pulled the blanket up to keep them warm. "No more self-destructive and senseless schemes."

"And the third one.." Eli gave him a small smile. "No more lies. I'll tell you everything."