13) p i l l s

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"What the fuck is that, Eli?" Benjamin exclaimed, staring at a translucent plastic bag filled with smaller zipper bags. A tiny purple logo was printed on each bag and inside them were single-packed pills.

Eli snatched the bag from Benjamin, stuffing it back into his pocket. It had been a long day and he had a feeling it was only going to get longer. Of course Benjamin had to find out about it right after there was finally some clarity between them.

"Are you using it?" Benjamin's voice was thick. He pressed his lips in a tight line and glared at Eli incredulously.

"No." Eli took a step back, crossing his arms on his chest. 

"Are you selling it?" Benjamin frowned. 

"No." Eli shook his head.

"So, what? You're a mule?" Benjamin's voice was starting to rise again. When Eli nodded, reluctantly, he continued: "Do you think that's somehow less bad?"

"No, but.." Eli lowered his gaze, unable to finish his sentence. Of course he knew what he did was wrong and that he was part of the illegal drug trade, enabling it to carry on.

"But what?" Benjamin snapped.

"I have no fucking choice, don't you get it?" Eli could feel anger flaring in his chest and he took another step back, increasing the space between him and Benjamin. 

"You always have a choice." Benjamin insisted. 

"Oh, do tell me what choices I have then. I have no occupation, I'm clumsy and I'm certainly no genius. Nobody wants to hire someone like me." Eli laughed humorlessly and swiped a hand through his hair. He took another step back, feeling an overwhelming urge to run.

"Eli —" Benjamin began cautiously. He took a step towards Eli.

"How am I supposed to build a career if I can't even take the garbage out or cook myself a proper meal?" Eli interrupted. He took another step back, until he nearly stumbled to a wall. He had successfully cornered himself in between the wall, an ashtray and Benjamin. 

Eli had never fit in the surrounding world. In a world where money was everything and work seemed to be the only indicator of the quality of life. He couldn't picture himself working in an office from 8 am to 4 pm every weekday until he was old and used up. If that was the only way to live a satisfactory life, Eli rather didn't live at all.

"Eli, br—" Benjamin tried again, haltingly reaching out his hand.

"What if being a lowlife drug dealer is the best I can do? Because news flash: I'm not that fucking great." Eli let out a strangled laugh, a dizzying sensation filling his head. He knew he was being ridiculous. He could feel his eyes welling up with tears and he blinked to keep them at bay. 

Eli knew he was overreacting, but he couldn't help feeling the old fear of abandonment. He couldn't help thinking that sooner or later Benjamin would find out how rotten he was inside. Eli was terrified one day Benjamin would see him like he saw himself and then he would leave, just like everyone else. 

"Eli, breathe." Benjamin urged, pulling Eli in his embrace. "Just breathe, okay?"

"You have no idea what you're getting yourself into, do you?" Eli muttered, trying to struggle free from Benjamin's hold.

"Breathe for me, okay?" Benjamin bid, his hands still firmly around Eli. 

Only then Eli realised how he had been holding his breath and how little air was actually flowing in and out of his lungs. He took a deep breath and felt some of the tension leaving his muscles. 

"Thank you." Benjamin murmured, his voice filled with relief. "Do I need to remind you again that I was the one to bring you back to life? I think I have a pretty clear picture of how well you are."

"Why won't you just walk away then?" Eli asked. His hands were hanging awkwardly on his sides while Benjamin hugged him tightly. 

"I already told you you're not getting rid of me that easily. I won't walk away after the first sign of trouble. I don't care if you have money or not, I just care about you. So like it or not, I'm not going anywhere." Benjamin explained and all the anger was gone from his voice.

"But, Eli.." He said then, parting from the hug and placing his hands on Eli's shoulders. The look in his black eyes was unlike anything Eli had ever seen in them: urgent and grave. "You have to stop dealing."

Eli just stared at Benjamin. He wanted to ask where Benjamin thought he would get money from, but he had a hunch that Benjamin didn't have an answer yet. Eli wanted to tell there were no simple solutions, that he couldn't just decide to stop and move on like none of it ever happened, but he was exhausted.

Making out in the bathroom with Benjamin was great and so was the sushi. Mopping the floor and being called a stupid, stupid boy was not. Neither was being implyed to be a gold-digger. Fighting and being reminded of his biggest fears was the worst. And now he was supposed to find a solution to a dilemma he had spent years trying to solve. 

"If you keep getting yourself in danger like that, you're going to get hurt. You do realise that, right?" Benjamin was knitting his eyebrows and his hold on Eli's shoulders tightened.

"Yes." Eli swallowed back the rest: And?

"I don't want you to get hurt." Benjamin admitted and pulled Eli in another embrace: "I'm sure we can come up with something. We'll find a way."

"Fine, I'll stop." Eli sighed and wrapped his arms around Benjamin. He closed his eyes, placing his chin on Benjamin's shoulder. Benjamin held him a little tighter and Eli forgot how cold he was.

"The others must be wondering where we are. Let's go back in." Benjamin suggested.

"I'm exhausted. Can we just go home?" Eli complained, letting go of Benjamin. The coldness of the chilly evening came back to him the second he did that.

"Mine or yours?" Benjamin smiled. 

"Yours." Eli could feel a grin spreading on his lips.

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I know there's been a lot of dialogue in these past two chapters, so it might be a little boring to read.. but I swear all this is important for the story. 🙈

Jester (MxM) ✔Where stories live. Discover now