The Wailing Woman

20. Spilled Blood, Spilled Seeds

Mom! Mom! Mom! My head is loud again. It's so loud.

Despierta, mi bien Nora, despierta, (Wake up, my dear Nora, wake up,)

It's too noisy. They won't stop talking. They won't-

Mira que ya amaneció, (look it is already dawn)

Come here mo stόr, remember all you have to do-

Ya los pajarillos cantan, (The birds are already singing,)

Don't forget it.

La luna ya se metió. (and the moon has set.)

My eyes open to see the ceiling above. I blinked once. I was dreaming and my heart felt full. Too big, too heavy to hold. I blinked a second time. I heard my mother's soft voice and felt her caress. Refugio sang happy birthday to me and I felt the warmth of a candle near my cheeks. I blinked a third time. It's been so long since I felt loved.

I rolled over to my right when I hear a pair of footsteps coming up from behind, I push myself up-

"Nora." I turn to my left to see Dilara standing a few feet away. I can't believe he went to go look for her but not only that, Grimm brought her to my apartment in the middle of the night. A string of curses comes out of my mouth as I remove the blanket from my body.

Dilara rushes to my side, I take in her white knitted sweater with white knitted pants. I told him no one would be awake at this time, she was still wearing her pajamas. I don't miss the cloth in her hands or tiresome eyes, not as golden in the night.

"You should be resting." Dilara sits down next to me.

I answered back. "Shouldn't we both be resting?" She looks down at the cloth on her hands.

I told Grimm not to go look for her and he didn't listen to me and now, I'm stuck in an awkward situation. My hands fell to my lap and focused on the shorts I was wearing. Grimm's black tie was no longer wrapped around my thigh, it had been replaced by a white gauze. And the palms of my hands were no longer stained in blood. My head swarmed with so many questions and one of them brought the heat to my cheeks.

"I changed your clothes," Dilara said.

Relief washed over me.

Dilara shifted her body toward me. "Nora, I— I'm sorry about what happened last time, I didn't mean to provoke you. I only wanted to help you."

"No, no. I should be the one apologizing." I swallowed. "There is a lot that's been going on in my life and I know there is something wrong with me but I know you were just trying to help me." I fidgeted my fingers.

I know there is something wrong with me, a half-truth, a half-lie I always told Refugio and the doctors. Both sweetly said nothing is wrong with you. But between the doctors and Refugio, hers tasted better. Still, I plummeted into deep self-hatred and guilt while I tried to be a good person. I learned to be patient with everyone, I did everything I was told to feel and do.

I did it for Refugio and my mother. I didn't want to disappoint them but they are not here, right? They're dead and I'm still here. I don't have to continue this facade of being a good person anymore.

My heart is quivering, ready to burst or break.

I turned my gaze to Dilara's worrisome eyes. "I'm sorry that you have to be here right now but I told him to wait until tomorrow morning. I'm sorry but I think you're right about me being in danger."

"No, I'm glad I'm here." She said, "When the man dressed in black showed up at my doorstep I recognized him from the last time I saw you with him. I knew something was wrong." She exhaled. "He told me you got hurt and I needed to come right away. When I got here, your whole place was a mess and then I saw you on the couch, bloody and eyes closed. I thought you were dead."