The Girl Who Danced In Sorrows

Chapter 7

Color

I went out of the bathroom and got inside my walk-in closet. I picked a pair of lacey undergarments and a pair of pajamas. I went to my kitchen to get a bottle of red wine and a glass before I proceeded to my balcony. I sat in one of the chairs. I placed and settled the things I brought unto the round glass table.

I inhaled so deep to release the heavy feeling in my chest. I have done so many unreasonable things in the past. The things I say when I'm angry.

I poured myself a glass of wine and drank it until it was empty. I stared at the city lights in front of me. I smiled bitterly. The scene was so beautiful. The city lights and the stars aligning. But here I am, once again pulled deep inside the dungeons of my heart and dark memories.

The guilt I feel every time I remember all the wrong things I did. It wasn't pleasant. The people I have scared for life just because I was angry. The people I have clawed and left a hideous scar, I remember them.

I remember them all.

I knew that feeling all too well but it did not really stop me from wounding others. Those scars will forever be tattooed on their soul and I will forever be held responsible for it. In the end, I was no different from my mother. In fact, I was just like her. And this atonement stage I am going through because of how my conscience is haunting me is very painful. I couldn't even remember what I said to those people yet I will always remember the guilt that it has implanted in me, the same way they will remember how I have inflicted them pain.

I may have tried to make amends, said sorry and I may be paying the price now yet I know it's not going to be easy. It wouldn't be so easy to forget.

I wish it was.

All I could do now is atone for my wrong doings and hope that they would pass through the painful things they have or are going through. I will wish for their well-being. Always.

But still, I will be haunted. I sighed at how bad I really was. How cruel I was. This was sickening.

I wonder if she ever feels this way. And if she does, then how does she deal with it?

All I could do was to drink wine at times like this. On times I couldn't sleep because things were coming back to me like a tsunami. Wanting to drown me with guilt, pain and sorrow. Maybe this was my karma. Karma has a lot of way to make us pay for the wrong things we've done. You could experience being in their shoes, experiencing it in a worse way, or the situation may turn around.

And in my case, it is drowning me with emotions I don't handle well, causing chaos in my system. I don't know which is more painful but it sure does cut your heart into pieces.

Even the beautiful view in front of me gets taken for granted.

I poured myself some more red wine before I continued to accept what I have done, the things I have experienced and many more. Running away won't do well for me. It will always come back and when it does...it becomes more ruthless.

I didn't know accepting yourself was this hard. I didn't know the compensation for your wrong doings was this painful. Maybe it feels like ten times harder each time it crosses my mind, but how do we even know how others feel? Who was I to complain? This was my fault. I have to deal with it because if I wasn't stupid, trying so hard to be high and mighty then this wouldn't happen.

I want to call someone. I want to tell them or someone what I feel right now. That I feel dumb, stupid and broken. I wanted to let everything out. But all I have is a scene of city wonders and the glass of half empty wine in my hands. It's sad.

It gets a little lonely sometimes.

"Of all the people in this world, why did God ever give you to be my daughter?"