The Girl Who Danced In Sorrows

Chapter 13

Back.

I honestly didn't want to go back. There are no good reasons to go back. Why do I have to go back? Do I need to?

Going back has always been hard. Leaving was the easiest part. 

I sighed for I don't know how many times today as I tried to force myself to pack some clothes for a week vacation back to my hometown. I dropped everything I was holding and laid on my bed, staring at my ceiling. I tried to get enough motivation and excitement so I could finish packing but I could not grasp anything but disdain or the feeling of just wanting to lie on my bed for the whole day. 

This month has been so hectic and busy that I just wanted to rest. I just wanted to stop moving and let days pass like whirlwind or enjoy the low-key beauty and serenity of being alone in a lonely apartment.

I thought of everyone I could possibly meet there. I miss everyone but not enough to drag my ass up the bed and pack my stuff as quick as possible. I miss them but not enough to go back. 

Happy memories rushed inside my head. I miss it but sometimes, I would rather not go back.

It was entirely selfish of me to be thinking like this when all they want was for me to go home.

Home.

Where was home anyway? 

Is it in that small city surrounded by gigantic mountains, endless field of wheat, and tall trees and green lands and was noted as 'where life's good' or where? 

Or in this small apartment where I could just be lonely for hours? Where I could be my normal destructive self without anyone to point at it? Where? How? How does one exactly know?

They say home is where the heart is. But where does my heart belong? It does certainly belong within me but it felt like it's wandering, has nothing to go back to, and has nothing to fully settle in. It could never settle because there' nothing to settle in. It constantly wander around because it felt like it's going into a journey with no destination, just endless paths.

I could not find it in me to go back. To pack my bags and leave for a week. Why do I have to do it? I spent hours staring at the empty walls of this room, trying to convince myself that I had to. 

And soon I continued to pack my bags with the thought that if I don't go there, for sure my mother would march her way here and would start spitting poison. I didn't have much energy to listen to everything she has to say so maybe I'll just have to. Only for week. 

It wasn't so bad honestly but I somewhat didn't want to. I just want to stay here in my room and be lonely. Try to cut ties with people and just focus on the lonely side of me.

Because that is all I could do. To lay on bed all day and be... lonely. It's not as bad as it sounds but it kinda helps. It kinda makes me feel better. Having to face the things that has been bothering me, having time for myself and a quiet space is actually a nice thing. 

Maybe at some point, it could be my starting point before going insane from all the endless thoughts and memories I wish to forget but I like it. It helps me cope. It makes me appreciate some things in my life that I never really notice. It make me reflect. I makes me learn from past mistakes. It makes me remember a lot of things that makes me feel at peace. It's peaceful.

Peace. I wonder if I ever deserve that. 

And at some point in my life, I have never been so bored my whole life yet I have never been so at peace. I found peace in the boring days. Somewhere along the way, I found peace in just laying in bend and staring at the ceiling or on the four walls of my bedroom or the window that shows me different shades of colors each passing day.