The Girl Who Danced In Sorrows

Chapter 11

Beyond

The weeks have passed rather so quickly that in a moment it was already our finals. The first two days of the examination was so hectic that I barely ate. I have always been glad that the all-nighters and the lack of food doesn't interfere with my brain during tough times, it somewhat helps me concentrate.

How could I eat when I can barely keep my system calm?

I always hated reviewing in school. It was noisy, there was a lot of people and a more and more distractions. Even in the library, I hated the thought of needing to memorized some stuff and when you look up, you'd see different faces.

That's why I would review once I'm home. I also hated cramming so I reviewed weeks before the intended exams, listen during the discussion and have notes for all the subjects or at least highlighted PowerPoint provided during the discussion.

The halls were always crowded but even more crowded during exams. In a span of one week you can see different expressions and a different kind of chattering as people pass to and fro. You'd see circles of people from different courses try to discuss the items that was in the exams and try to guess if they either passed or might fail the test.

The people in this university are contented, doesn't care, happy, disappointed, frustrated, tired, sad and even confused. Some may be studying for someone else's dream, some are following their dreams and some doesn't even know what their dreams are.

I get so mesmerized whenever I see someone with a special glint in their eyes as they study, as they talk about the topics and how it interests them or as they walk in these crowded hallways.

It wasn't a common emotion to college students. That special glint in the eyes. The sparkle, the dream, the life in their eyes is so beautiful you get sucked in. It makes the lifeless eyes wonder how to get their glint back or how to reach that certain phase in their life. It makes hopeful eyes even more hopeful. It inspires people to reach for their dreams, to follow what they want. But some are too tired to even wonder.

But some people asks;
"What if what you want hurts others?"
"What if you step on someone as you follow your dream?"

What if?

What if reaching your dream means shaking the whole world?

What dreams? Yvaine, we don't even have a dream. I shook my head to drown the voices in my head. Not today.

I pouted as thoughts flowed like an endless river. I stood in the middle of the crowd, wondering which one I was, what I am or would I ever be more different than the sea of people who have their life set or in a mess.

The human brain always makes me wonder. What are the thoughts that runs in the head of different beings.

But how could they figure me out when I couldn't even figure myself out? This things always happens. One moment, I feel alive, dreaming of a life full of wonders and hope that it seemed like I had some path to take that no one could ever shatter and then one day, it does shatter.

One day I don't feel like living anymore, I don't know what my dreams are. I didn't know what I truly want. So immediately, I have become a stranger to my own self. All of the sudden, I don't know what to do.

One day, my dreams suddenly become unnecessary, impractical or questionable.

And I can't help but bit my lips every time, trying to stop myself from shattering even more.

And today is one of those days. It was like those times when I would treat the halls like a runaway and grace confidently on my heels but suddenly I'd feel awkward, I couldn't walk properly, my feet refusing to move, my heels glued underneath, it feels like my skin is burning and eyes are gawking at me - questioning my very being, my very existence.