Just Thoughts

VII

09.07.2020

I hate the silence of the night. When time came where every soul in the house went to sleep and I lie awake on the bed. Each corner of the room covered in darkness with only the crickets singing me an unwanted lullaby.

My heart felt heavy. It tightened from time to time. I thought I would be fine for a few more month like before. But it seems hell is catching up to me once more. Without the distraction of school works and a lot of time in my hands, I'm prone to reverting back to a state I've desperately ran away from.

I hate the silence that makes me remembers all the things I've been through. All the feelings and memories I so desperately want to be buried and never seen again. I hate the darkness that makes me feel once more that I am alone.

I don't want to reminisce into the thoughts of receiving disapproving gazes, disappointed remarks, lectures of failing to reach up to their expectations.

Simply, I don't want to be reminded of how pathetic I've been and become. Where I make lies to escape being pulled back to the past.

Make up stories of fantasy to occupy my mind. To distract myself.

I have a lot of things to hate but it hasn't been related on other people but to myself. I hate it that I don't have any control of my life, of things I want to do or even things I want to think about.

I don't want to blame others, i don't want to make excuses for my situation, i don't want other people's pity and I don't want anyone seeing me like this. I don't want anyone to know what goes around my mind.

I'm consumed by fear that when I do let others know then I would be once again forgotten and abandoned, I will be much worse than I am now.