Thorns

Chapter Twenty-Three

"Rise and Shine, Peachy." Ivan sang, "Today's going to be a beautiful day!" It wasn't. I knew it wasn't, and so did Ivan, but, for a moment, it was nice to pretend that all was right in the world.

Unfortunately, I knew that nothing would ever be right in the world, and that was just how it was always going to be. It was better for both myself, and Ivan, to come to terms with that fact sooner rather than later. But, for some reason, when I looked at Ivan, I knew that he needed this. I knew that, for even just a minute or two, Ivan needed to pretend.

And I didn't want to rip that away from him just yet.

I opened my eyes, feeling the cold air bite my cheeks as I pulled my face out of my blanket to peer up at him. His coat was tailored to perfection, his shirt was clean and tucked neatly into his snug, black pants, and the golden pin on his breast gleamed in the light streaming through my window. Not one thing looked out of place. Yet, he was a complete mess.

"You look awful." I grumbled, sitting up slowly in my bed as I continued to study him. The dark circles under his eyes seemed to stretch from ear to ear, and I couldn't help but to worry for him. He looked like he was ready to give up. Like he was only moments away from breaking down.

He looked like a walking cry for help, and a little piece of my heart broke each time that I saw him. Which, to be honest, surprised me much more than I would have preferred. My heart was sicker than my head, but for some reason its black paint was chipping for Ivan's pain. I wanted to hug him, but I decided against it for my own sake. Even so, I couldn't suppress the urge to throw my arms around to never let go. I wanted to save what was left of him, but I knew if I tried I'd just end up ruining him even more. He already looked so numb, but I could see the hurricane of emotions swirling dangerously beneath his eyes and pushing up against his brain. I wondered how much more of this he could possibly take.

Ivan just blinked at me, already too enervated to muster anymore of a reaction, "You're one to talk. I think your hair must be sticking out in forty different directions!" He snorted, and I don't think I ever wanted to punch someone so badly than I did right then and there.

God, he was a prick.

But he was a prick that I pitied.

I rolled my eyes at him, "You're lucky I'm too tired for your bullshit today," I grunted as I swung my legs over the edge of the mattress. The air stung my thighs, and I wished that it hadn't gotten so cold out in the past few weeks. The entire castle was freezing.

I almost preferred the cold though, mostly because the warmth would feel far too incongruous.

"Now," I said, "Tell me why the hell you decided to wake me up so god damn early."

As soon as I looked at him, I noticed how fast his face had fallen. I never would have thought it to be possible for him to look anymore hopeless, yet, here he was, proving me wrong like he almost never did. He was inconsolable, and the grief-stricken look that flashed across his face continued to prove that.

Ivan had tied a bag of rocks around his ankles, and jumped in the lake inside of his mind. He probably thought he was strong enough to swim, because that's what everyone thinks at first. Everyone thinks that they're strong enough, because nobody wants to admit that they're just going to end up drowning.

Every time I met Ivan's gaze, I could tell he had already come to terms with the fact that he was drowning.

"Sit." I demanded, gently patting the space next to me as I looked up at him with my widened eyes.

He swallowed, nodding stiffly as he obeyed my command. I would never tell him, but part of me liked having his body next to mine. I liked feeling close to him. I liked how warm he always was. I liked how secure he made me feel. I liked pretending that, if I sat next to him for long enough, maybe I could untie the bags of rocks around his ankles, and then maybe he would start to swim.