In The Bleak Midwinter | T Shelby

TWENTY EIGHT - A COLD NIGHT

Despite the snow holding off for a few days, the grey heavens had opened upon the Gold family in their new homestead over the past few nights.

They'd fled Small Heath in a hurry, being urged to not hang around for too long for fears of the worst. Nobody had enough intel to make informed decisions that would cost more time and waiting around wasn't a risk anybody was willing to take.

Pain was the only thing Kaia felt as she rode away on Tommy's horse into the countryside. She'd kissed him goodbye, clinging onto the lapels of his jacket like it was the last thing on earth which to her, it might as well have been.

Things had never been easy for Kaia or her family. She'd grown up used to pain and suffering, become accustomed to the feeling of being alone and learning to live with the emptiness that resonated inside of her.

Though meeting Tommy Shelby had changed all of that for her. The hollow feeling in her chest that made her cold even in the warmest summers had gone. She felt warmth and happiness, she felt alive, like somebody loved her for her and not just for her body for one night.

The way Thomas adored her changed the way she saw the world, and the way she saw herself. She never thought she was capable of loving anybody, let alone anybody loving her, but he had changed her mind.

Although he had shown her colour in a lifetime of darkness, his declaration of love being her own personal rainbow, she still couldn't bring herself to say it back.

It wasn't that Kaia didn't love Tommy, she was more than sure that the way she felt inside couldn't possibly be anything other than love, as the words struggled on her lips, the fear won. She so badly wanted to say it back, to have him hear those words and watch the light in his eyes glint and his lips fall into a soft smile. She adored the vulnerability he showed in their most intimate moments, but even in spite of that, she still couldn't allow herself to give him that vulnerability in return.

The fire was doing a poor job at keeping the family warm. They were sat wrapped in layers of clothing with blankets and shawls around their bodies, each of them being hypnotised by the red flames as the silence of the night settled in.

There were two caravans and three horses that they'd brought with them. Bonnie and Kaia were sharing one and Aberama slept in the other, not wanting either of his children to be alone.

It had been little over four days since they'd left their home, packing only the essentials they needed into the caravans and heading out into the night. The evenings were lovely for Kaia. Although Bonnie would happily talk to her for hours as they lay trying to keep warm, her brother's company wasn't the same as hearing Tommy's voice as she drifted off to sleep.

"I always said I'd take you on holiday, kids. Here you go."

The siblings lightly laughed, the first smile landing on their faces that had been there since they left Small Heath.

Aberama could tell by the gloom on his son's face that the guilt hadn't left his bones, and that it would be there for a while still. He was incredibly proud of both of his children and he felt proud of Bonnie for doing what he did, even if it had landed them in this mess.

He was sure they'd make it out the other side of it together, they always had done.

Thomas was restless. His heart had been feeling like it was thudding against his ribcage with a threat to shatter the bones ever since he heard 'Gold' come from Luca Changretta's lips.

It wasn't often that Tommy felt safe. I'm fact, before he knew Kaia, he had never felt safe for a day in his life. Since meeting her, though, he discovered for the first time what that felt like. Hearing her voice or her laugh floating through the air, seeing her smile when she walked into a room or smelling the sweet scent of her perfume when she walked by, that was what safety felt like to him. He adored her and he adored the way she made him feel.

Kaia had turned Tommy Shelby's world upside down and there wasn't a single part of that that he regretted letting happen. He smiled more, albeit still not enough to let people know he was approachable. He felt things inside his chest other than remorse, regret and trauma, the cold feeling melting away and being replaced by an everlasting flame that only grew stronger every time he looked into her eyes.

He was in love with her. When he first realised how he felt, he was afraid. He had never told a woman that he loved her before, let alone a woman like Kaia. The feeling of terror was overpowering but Thomas knew that deep down, this was who he was meant to be with. Kaia was his person and he was hers, telling her that he was in love with her was just the first step in the right direction for the both of them. They both deserved happiness and only meeting each other had made them realise that.

"It's alright, brother."

Arthur placed a hand on his brother's shoulder as he sat down beside him, two glasses of rum on the table and the half empty bottle on the floor by Tommy's feet.

The pub was empty but Tommy didn't plan on leaving. That was where he'd said goodbye to Kaia and that was where he'd stay until he figured out what his next move would be to bring her, and her father and Bonnie, home safely.

"Is it?" He mumbled, staring mindlessly at the fireplace in front of them.

"Yes." Arthur replied, taking a swig of his drink before letting out a small laugh, "It's called love, Tom. You don't have to be so glum about it. You know we'll get them all back safely, you know that in your head."

Tommy slowly turned his head to look at Arthur, "It's simultaneously the best yet worst thing I've ever felt. I feel like my heart is being pulled out of my body by knives as slowly as possible, the pain from the worry that I feel is worst than taking a round of bullets each from forty men."

Arthur drew in a sharp breath, realising just how much his brother cared for Kaia Gold, "And when you're with her?"

Tommy scoffed, a small smile forcing it's way onto his face as he thought about being with Kaia again, his mind revisiting the memories they'd made together.

"When I'm with her, my mind is clear, my head is clean. I can think, I can see, nothing is grey or clouded, the world isn't as dull as it seemed before. When I'm with her, I'm not Thomas Shelby - Peaky Blinder," he waved his hands sarcastically with a raised eyebrow, "I'm just Tommy. I'm Tommy with the same troubles and the same worries but she, she sees past that. She l- she likes me for who I am, without asking questions. I've never met anybody like her and I know I'll never meet anybody like her ever again. That's why I'm going to do everything I have to to bring her back to me."