In The Bleak Midwinter | T Shelby

THIRTEEN - FEELING LOST

The moment Kaia opened her eyes and saw Thomas Shelby stood before her, his lips slightly parted and his cheeks flushed red, she felt lost but safe at the same time.

The feeling was unlike anything she'd ever experienced before. She had never had any man kiss her like that, nobody had ever been so tender, so gentle, they had never looked at her the way Thomas was at that moment, not being able to take his eyes away from her. And yet, she didn't know what to do. The feeling was so new to her that she wasn't sure how she was supposed to act. She was afraid, hating not being in control of her body and her feelings. Kaia felt lost.

At the same time, she had never felt more safe in her life. His hands held her body close to him, a grip strong enough to remind her that his touch was there, but nothing more. The strike of his gaze was electric, she couldn't look away from even if she'd wanted to, but she certainly didn't. He had her. He had her in his arms, safe from the world, which is exactly where Thomas felt like Kaia belonged.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ear.

"What for?" She replied, matching his hushed tone.

He blinked a few times, swallowing loudly before speaking. "I shouldn't have kissed you, I'm sorry."

He let go of her waist and turned his back, leaning on the kitchen table with his hands curled into fists, his knuckles white.

Kaia stood still, watching him take deep breaths. Confused wasn't enough to describe how she felt. The moment had come from nowhere and all of a sudden, it had gone. She'd been absent-mindedly dreaming of that scenario to happen for weeks, and now it finally had, only it wasn't going the way it did in her mind.

"Tommy, I don't understand?" Kaia said in a small voice, nervous to speak up which wasn't like her.

He turned around to look at her, his face blank from expression how it usually was. Kaia didn't like it.

"Is it because of Lizzie?" She asked.

"Lizzie?" Tommy furrowed his eyebrows, "No, God no."

"Then what? Am I not good enough for you?"

Tommy squeezed his eyes shut and sighed loudly before taking two steps closer to Kaia, grabbing his cap off the table as he did so.

"This," he said, holding the peak of his cap up to her and pulling back to seam to expose the razor blade, "This is why."

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't want you to be caught up in anything like this. I told you before that I feel very protective over you, I just don't want you to get hurt. You don't have to stay living with your father and brother forever, you have a chance to get out, Kaia. You're too good of a woman for any of this, you're intelligent, creative, and you're beautiful. You don't belong with a man with a life like mine."

Kaia's mind went blank. She wasn't even sure that she wanted to be involved with Thomas like that, she wasn't sure what she wanted at all. The urge to kiss him before was far too intense to resist and she knew that he felt it too. Though surely she couldn't feel anything more for him, she'd never felt anything for anyone before.

"Then what's all this? What is it with you offering me jobs and coming out of nowhere to save me? Why did you sleep on my sofa and make me breakfast? Why did you kiss me, Tommy?"

Kaia felt herself growing more and more furious as she spoke. She felt like she didn't know which was to turn, torn between yearning for him to kiss her again and wanting to slam the door in his face for what he was saying to her.