In The Bleak Midwinter | T Shelby

THIRTY SIX - GIVING UP

Thomas had been silent the whole time he and Kaia had been in the room alone. As much as she'd wanted to let him rot in a hell of self-pity and regret, Kaia couldn't bare to look him in the eye for fear of feeling the overwhelming sense of loss and heartbreak. If anything, she needed closure, and for the first time in her life, she wasn't afraid to ask for it.

Life had been a struggle for Kaia since the loss of her mother and the way she dealt with the unexpected twists the universe had thrown at her since, was by going into a state of avoidance. It was easy for her to block out people and emotions, pretend like things had never happened, but for some reason, she couldn't do that with Tommy. As much as Kaia hated admitting she needed something from anybody, she knew that she needed this from him.

Kaia was perched on the edge of the settee in the other room while Tommy stood next to the fireplace, staring at the flames. It looked like the bleeding from the bullet wound had stopped, the staining on his shirt turning a dark brown colour instead of fresh red.

The pain Kaia had felt when she watched the bullet slice through Tommy's shoulder had been far worse than the pain she'd felt when John had told her what he'd done. It showed Kaia that she hadn't lost her emotion or empathy, but she was equally thankful that she had a ticking mind that kept her level-headed. She loved him, she knew that, but she didn't think she could ever commit to him, not anymore.

"Are you going to speak or can I go back to Bonnie?" Kaia eventually mumbled, growing tired of the anticipation the air held while she waited for him to open his mouth.

Slowly, he turned around to look at her. He looked tired, life had slowly seeped back into his eyes that looked almost black earlier that night, only now they were a pale grey, exhausted and drained. Kaia had never seen Tommy like that before, and she never wanted to see him like it again. He was a man of few emotions, difficult to read and even harder to understand, but Kaia could feel what Tommy was feeling in that moment, his eyes giving everything away.

For the first time, he had given up.

"I was never going to hurt you, Kaia, I hope you know that."

Kaia swallowed, nodding shyly. She accepted his words, knowing now, deep down that he would never have fired that gun at her, but in the moment, she saw someone else stood before her that wasn't the Thomas she loved.

"Your arm," she whispered, "How is it?"

He sniffed, drawing in a breath, "Fine, I've taken worse. Arthur shot him dead, they're all dead, you'll be pleased to know."

Kaia scoffed, shaking her head at his comment. She wasn't pleased to know anything, her brother and father both almost dying in front of her eyes on the same table, almost losing everything she had to live for over the space of a handful of hours and now still, her will to keep going was hanging in the balance while Bonnie tried to make it through the night. Pleased couldn't have been further from how she felt.

"I'm sorry." Thomas said, watching her roll her eyes and realising the lack of sympathy he was offering.

Kaia didn't quite know what he was apologising for. Was it for his words, for pointing the gun between her eyes, for cheating on her, or perhaps for building up her trust over months, only to tear it down in the most vicious way he could think of? It was unclear.

"Is that is? Can I go?" The fire held her gaze as she watched the flames dance, feeling herself being pulled in by the flicker of yellow and orange that, just for a moment, made her forget everything that had happened.

"Kaia, please."

Her attention was pulled away from the flames when Thomas sat down beside her, his body turned to face his and his face pale, skin stained with blood and fresh cuts.

She said nothing.

"I know that you know what happened, I-"

"Do you really think that's my main concern right now?"

Before stepping into the room with him, Kaia had wanted this discussion. She needed to hear him say everything himself, listen to him grovel and hear him admit his mistakes so she could pack up her trauma properly this time, burying it deep enough in her mind to never be discovered again. Though after seeing the way he looked at her, feeling the exhaustion and the emptiness that he held, she'd changed her mind, knowing that whatever he was going to tell her, it was only going to make things worse.

"You're right," he shook his head, blinking quickly, "I'm sorry, it's not the time for that."

They fell into silence again, but not the comfortable kind they were used to. It wasn't the kind of silence they shared when they'd first woken up in the morning and they lay together listening to the birds outside the window, content in one another's arms and the feeling of their skin against each other's, this silence was different.

As Kaia sat, feeling frozen in the tension of the atmosphere, she wondered if there would ever be a right time to talk about what had happened. How could she possibly know when she'd be ready to hear the man she'd fallen in love with tell her he'd kissed someone else? Maybe she never would be, but she knew that she needed to hear it, as much as it would twist the knife already in her back.

"God," she whispered, sighing loudly, "You broke my heart, Thomas, do you know that? I never knew I even had a heart to break my whole life until I met you."

His eyes stayed fixed on her own, his body tense as he sat by her, a small distance between the two of them.

"I know," he said, "I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for what I did, and I know there's nothing I can do to make it any better."

His words cut her deep, the fact he knew what he'd done and how much he'd made her suffer felt like he'd done it all over again. It was a pain Kaia had never known until then, and she started to think perhaps having a heart wasn't for her.

"I need to know something." He mumbled, clearing his throat as he looked at her nervously.

Kaia shrugged her shoulders, telling him to continue.

"Do you- did you love me? I know I said it to you before you left and you never said it back, I didn't know if you were scared or if you just didn't feel it."

There was absolutely no doubt in Kaia Gold's mind that she was in love with Thomas Shelby. Though she'd never known what being in love had felt like before, she knew that the feeling she had inside couldn't be described in words, the rush she felt whenever he looked into her eyes or she heard his voice, felt his touch, was beyond anything any human had ever felt for another. Kaia had fallen in love with Tommy, and he was right, she was scared to tell him. How could she possibly admit this to him and make herself so vulnerable? She was terrified of things going wrong, and so she decided to hold back. Only in the end, it was the right decision.

"Why does it matter? It means nothing, whether I love you or I don't, if I did or I didn't, you've proved that."

The amount of anger Thomas felt towards himself was more than he'd ever felt towards anyone else before. Knowing he'd taken the one good thing he had in his life and thrown it away was more painful than any bullet to the chest, this pain would continue to grow every day for the rest of his life, and it was his own fault.

Kaia wasn't right, though. Those three words did mean something. Thomas had never been in love with a woman she way he loved Kaia, he had never missed a woman so much, never craved her body or even her voice, her laugh, he'd never looked into a woman's eyes and seen the whole world looking back at him, feeling like everything he needed was right there in front of him. Before, Tommy had always wanted more, but with Kaia, he knew that she was everything he'd ever need.

He just couldn't fight anymore, not with Kaia.

"I'm sorry," he said as he rose to his feet and walked over to the door, turning to look over his shoulder at Kaia, "I know it means nothing to you, but it means everything to me. I'm in love with you, and I will be forever, even if that leaves me in an endless debt to myself till my last breath, I'll love you till the end."

an;;
wow not me sobbing over my own writing lol, hope you enjoyed this chapter!
ALSO new Alfie Solomons fic is up now on my profile, it's called 'Devil' if any of you are interested!
-champagnepoetry-