the diary of my hidden heart

page 3.

"why are you not eating?"

that's what you had asked when the party invited me to the diner.

i never went. i rarely went but will had to drive me home.

he did not want me walking home late at night.

i bet hopper told him to do so. because you guys fear that i will get into an accident.

you all pity me.

it's the reason why hopper adopted me after he put my father in jail anyways.

i had replied, "i ate a full lunch during school." but you didn't put down the subject and kept pushing me and pushing me.

because you realised. you realised that i lie.

i lie everyday saying i ate a full lunch when in reality, i only eat a egg sandwich at night to make sure i don't drop dead.

you pointed out the things i didn't want to be pointed out.

you said my lips were white. that i looked way too skinny.

i looked down at my lap and to my book and you pushed your plate of food over to me.

you told me to eat.

then everyone else started to as well.

i felt pressured. my anxiety was high.

my nails dug into my skin and i wanted to cry.

but none of you have seemed to notice but only at the fact that i was slowly dying.

i said, "no, i'm actually so full. i cant."

but you disagreed.

and will added, "if you are, your lips wouldn't be so white."

why?

why did he do that to me?

you all made me eat.

you all made me.

why did you guys force me? corner me?

but i did.

i ate anyways.

and when i got home, i sat against the toilet for an hour, puking my guts out till my throat was so scratched up, i could not talk the next day.

not that i do anyways.

i sat at the breakfast table. my hands on my lap, my hood up as i stare down so no one would try to talk to me.

but hopper did. he tried to tell me a joke.

so i looked up, i put on a smile and i forced out the best laugh i could. he smiled back and laughed with me and i started to feel guilty.

but why should i?

i'm the burden. i need to remember that.

as i walked into the school, you went up to me.

it's been a long time since you went up to me.

you asked me, "are you okay?"

i nodded then i shut my locker.

you proceeded to ask why i was not speaking again and all i could do was walk away.

but for the first time ever, you grabbed ahold of my wrist to hold my back.

i winced out loud, you let go.

and then i looked up and concern filled your face. 

please don't do this to me. please don't find out.

i like you ignoring me. i like you not knowing.

i want to not be rejected.

and i want to love you silently.

and so i ran. i ran away from you.

and i drowned myself in alcohol and vape and i skipped all of my classes that day.

all i could hope for was one thing.

and that was for you to ignore me forever and for me to be forgotten.

not just by you but by everyone else.

it was a mistake to bring me into your life's, i had it all planned out.

i guess i just have to make up a new one.