the diary of my hidden heart

page 8.

and if you drowned at sea, i'd give you
my lungs so you could breathe.

i would. i definitely would. it's cheesy in a way, but i would. without hesitation.

i love you so much that it hurts. i hate you so much that it hurts as well.

why don't you love me?

why do you pity me instead?

i don't have long, you know. i'm really trying to hold on but i can't. i'm sorry.

dandelions.

i found a dandelion today. it reminded me of you.

i'm not sure why. i think it was because it was pretty.

i think you would've liked it. i think you would've liked it a lot.

science. we had science together.

but what i noticed was the acid in the room. the different types.

will it burn up my insides if i drink it?

i think.

i was happy that i teamed up with you. lab partners and all. but you asked me if i was okay once again.

concerned as if i was on suicide watch.

why do you all think i'll give up that easily?

do you seriously all doubt me so much?

i know i won't make it, i know. but why do you keep asking me if i'm okay, like i will suddenly answer yes and mean it.

it's too late. you should know it.

but no matter how much i hate you. how i hate you pity me and is only caring because im at risk, i will still love you.

and i always will.

all i ask for is comfort.

the comfort i never got and never will receive.

sat on my bathroom crying. i know no one will ever be there to hold me. to tell me that it will be okay.

no one will love me like that.

with my fingers trailing over my cuts, like a ladder up my wrist, i smile and add a new one.

for absolutely no reason as well.

but i crave it. i crave the pain over and over again.

then you called and i declined.

you texted and then i saw.

"i know you won't reply," you said, "but i wish for you to open your room door because i'm right outside."

stop giving me mixed signals.

i know you don't love me. i know you don't like me.

so i turned off my lights. i pretended i was asleep.

and i only wished that you saw me like how i saw you.

like a dandelion.

and i went to bed, wishing for the same thing i do every night.

for you to love me for me though i knew that it will never happen.