the diary of my hidden heart

page 5.

the cliff.

do you know it?

i hope not.

it's the one by the ocean. someone once fell off and died. did you hear about that?

the ocean is beautiful but the cliff is so high. you look down at the waves and you smile instantly at the sight in front of you.

i was there when you called.

when i skipped school for two days to be there alone.

to get drunk, to get high, to skip my meals, to let myself die.

i didn't answer your calls. you then texted. i ignored and i found you standing in front of my house the next morning with a worried look.

and that's how i ended up in school.

you walked me to my class and i had to put on a smile. you kept looking at me like you wanted to ask something.

i knew what you were trying to ask and what you kept avoiding so i smiled at you.

when you told me a joke, i took that as a chance to fake a laugh for you to not think that i was hiding something.

and it must have worked because you never asked.

thank you.

that is all i ask for.

i sat in the bathroom, sat on the floor, the bottle of vodka up against my lips as i tilt my head back to chug it down.

that's what i did for the day.

hide in the bathroom.

and i did it for days and days till i was sent to the principles office for absences and hopper was called.

he came into school to the office and i couldn't bear to look him in the eyes.

the principle yelled. told me to take my hood off and when i did, he sat silent.

because my eyes were red and swollen. my cheeks were hollow, my cheekbone sharp with tear stains surrounding my face.

and a burn mark on the side of my jaw that i didn't bandage.

how i got the burn?

with a lighter.

simple.

but the principle thought i was getting abused. i couldn't stop laughing at the thought because no one is abusing me.

just myself.

he made me tell him what was going on. why i kept skipping classes.

i didn't reply but only looked down at my hands.

he asked me again.

then threatened that if i didn't, he'd call the police and report my father for abuse.

of course, hopper threatened him back but he would not shut up.

why are people like this?

so to get him to shut up, i could only do one thing.

and that was to roll up my sleeves and show my father and the principle what i have been doing to myself.

both shocked, they stared at me.

no words.

hopper didn't know that it was this bad and all i wanted to do was shoot myself in front of the principle for making me do this.

so i could make him guilty for the rest of his life.

he apologised.

but i didn't accept it.

"i'm so sorry," he said to me.

i shook my head and grabbed my bag, "sorry doesn't fix it." i said.

"you don't threaten my father." i said.

he shouldn't have done so.

and that wasn't even the worse bit. the worse bit was hopper asking me about it.

he didn't mean to give me more anxiety on it, i know. but he did.

and i found myself at the cliff close to an overdose. almost bleeding out.

but i managed to stumble home.

and i managed to have my overdose there instead.