the diary of my hidden heart

page 4.

i fainted during science.

i don't remember what happened.

but i remember waking up in the nurses office.

you were there with me because we had the class together.

and when i left, you tried to parade me with questions.

so much that i shoved you away and held back my tears.

the nurse gave me a look. the look.

i bet she had rolled up my sleeve. i bet she was concerned.

my wrist, my arm, my forearm, all so red. some still bleeding.

thankfully, she didn't see the ones on my stomach nor my thighs.

you think the ones on my wrist are bad?

check out the ones there.

i went to my last class high. drunk.

you must have noticed because when my forehead fell against my palm, you sat besides me instead of sitting with dustin.

i could barely breathe today.

and i needed to vape to soothe it. i needed to cut to soothe it.

i needed it but the teacher didn't allow me to the bathroom.

which is why i did what i did.

i cut under the table.

did i ever mention that my cutter is so very sharp? i never can put it down.

and it was cheap too.

today, you went home with us. apparently you had to work with will on a project.

i, like usual, hid away in my room once i got home.

but you must have forgotten that due to you not coming over so long and you started knocking on my door. i barely replied but you didn't listen and continued.

no one told you to stop.

though they knew that i would not come out unless it was to join them at the family table for dinner.

but you continued. and you kept saying, "el, come out. what is wrong?"

what is wrong? everything is.

do you not understand? i want to be alone. i want to drink. i want to be drunk. i want to cut. i want to drown.

SHUT UP!

but i don't want you to shut up to me. i want you to speak to me.

but not parade me. not pressure me. talk to me like a friend. talk to me not like i am will's little sister.

don't pretend you care like that. don't pity me.

all i ask for is your comfort but not your pity.

why can't you understand?

you wouldn't stop. you didn't stop.

till i had to lock myself in my own bathroom and turn on the tap and shower till your voice drained away slightly.

but i still heard you and i didn't want to.

so i took a sleeping pills. and i filled the tub with hot water till it reached my neck. with the brown water surrounding me, i fell asleep and was only awoken when hopper called for dinner like always.

i expected you to have left. i expected you to have been home at that time of night.

but you weren't.

you were here. you were at the table and was sat at the seat besides mine.

i looked like hell. i had my hood up and was constantly pulling on my sleeve to make sure it didn't accidentally roll up and you didn't see what i was hiding beneath.

then joyce told me to take off my hood.

and everyone else agreed.

why do you guys constantly do this to me?

what did i ever do to you guys?

and at that moment, i wished for myself to have died in that tub just an hour ago so i didn't have to go through this every single day.

when i disagreed and said, "no, i want to keep my hood on." you asked why.

you turned to me and smiled. then said, "i like you without the hood."

but i don't.

i don't want you to see me like this.

and i began to panic. i shook my head. i said no.

i repeated it and repeated it until hopper let me off the hook.

i crossed my arms, looked away and ignored the plate of food in front of my eyes.

you again asked, "el, why aren't you eating?"

and i could on reply back with, "i'm not hungry." and, "i lost my appetite."

no. i was starving.

i hope you didn't hear my stomach growl.

then will pointed out my face. my cheekbones. my jawline. my dark circles.

i know he didn't mean harm when he told me, "look at you. there is no way you're not hungry," with a laugh.

he didn't mean harm.

and so with all of your eyes on me, i picked up the fork and i began to ate slowly. with each bite, i felt more and more disgusted. i felt my stomach bloat and i almost broke down at the table.

i scratched against my cuts under the table. poking my sharp fingernail into the ones i just made upstairs to soothe myself.

but you must have noticed it because you looked at me with concern when i bit down on my bottom lip till blood drew out.

and that led to where i am now.

crying my heart out because you'll never love me for me. you'll never want me.

because there are plenty of options.

and that doesn't include the girl you pity deeply.