the diary of my hidden heart

page 9.

you went up to me in the hall, asked what was in my hand when you noticed my flask.

i quietly informed you that it was water.

that it was the only thing i could find around the house.

it was not.

it was acid i stole from the science lab.

i stared at you, trying to mask out every little thing about you. your jawline, your cheekbones, your curls, your soft smile.

i wanted to engrave it in my brain like i haven't already. i wanted to stroke your face, to kiss you and to whisper all the things i wanted to tell you.

i wanted you to know that i'm not doing it because of you.

theres so much i want to say. so much i would like for you to know.

which is why i leaned in to kiss you because i knew it was the last time anyways.

i'm sorry i did that. i'm sorry. i couldn't help myself.

but i do have one tiny wish if you do ever read this.

bury me next to my mother. that's all i need.

flowers.

flowers i bought for myself with a smile that disappeared for a while.

flowers i went home with and placed in a vase at the dining room table with a note.

"dandelions and roses." i wrote.

because that's what they were. dandelions and roses. pretty ones to be exact.

i don't think you all would understand when you see the flowers.

so i'll tell you.

my mother used to buy me those when i felt sad. they are my favourite.

i wish for those.

and i also wish to see you again.

i have a gun placed under my bed. a bullet in it just for something special.

do you want to know why i love you? how i knew i loved you after i saw you?

you barely knew me. i came out of nowhere and you still spoke to me unlike others at the school.

you smiled at me. you told me jokes. you made me smile.

and i don't think i touched alcohol or my cutter within that time.

until one day, i think you finally got tired of me. did you? did you get tired of me, mike?

i bet you did.

and i want you to know that i'm not getting tired of you now. i never did.

i never had.

no matter what happened or what will. i will always always love you.

i walked into school for the last time.

i sat with max for english. i gave her a dandelion.

i sat with dustin for math. i gave him a dandelion as well.

i sat with lucas for the first time ever in spanish. gave him a dandelion.

sat with will for history. gave him one as well.

as for you...

i gave you three.

to represent the three words i tell you secretly in my hidden heart every time i see you.

i love you.

you all probably didn't understand what i was doing. why i gave you all dandelions for no reason at all.

especially you.

you were confused when i handed it to you in the halls. you barely moved when i leaned in to hug you because for the first time in one and a half years, i gave you a hug.

for the last time ever, i pulled back with a tear streaming down my face. then i smiled at you.

did you see me smile?

i hope you did. i hope you knew that you were the last person i smiled at.

ever.

because i'd much rather smile at you than anyone else in the world.

and so..

to end this off.

i hope you know that it was never your fault, mike. i'm not doing it because you ignored me for over a year. i'm not doing it because you had girlfriends.

i'm not doing it because of that.

i'm doing it because i don't belong. i'll never belong.

i'll never live through this and i much rather not live through everyday of my life, drinking, starving and bleeding.

i like to torture myself but i hate going through the things i have to every single day. the judgemental looks of my hair, the disgusted looks of my face.

i want it all to end.

so no, it's not any of your faults but let's keep that a little secret between us.

i only need you to know that it is not yours.

and i can rest.

i love you, mike.

to the moon and back.

thank you for the best 2 years of my life. i could never thank you enough for it.

i'll watch over you, don't worry.

flip through the pages of this book, as if you can relive our times together. remember me for me.

and not the me you saw.

this is me.

till the next chapter, my love. i promise i'll be there next time, for me to be the one to stick by you to your end.

love el,

ps; these last two sentences aren't red ink, i ran out of black and i just so happened was bleeding.