Marvel Women One shots

M. H. The Fall

Another little vent with a bunch of trigger warnings (mainly self-harm) so if you read this be ready or just don't read it at all if you know that it'll trigger you.

I felt pretty sick yesterday and drank a few beers with Thor and Tony hoping it would make me tired and keep me asleep longer. It did make me sleepy so I went home since Maria our Cat Samson and I lived in a little secluded house because both Maria and I wanted the privacy. I hopped into bed early but I also woke up early now which really wasn't my intent.

I felt a dark wave over me for no reason at all. I woke up to my loving fiancé curled next to me and our little fur-baby purring at the bottom of my legs.. I mean I had so much of what others could only dream of... A gorgeous woman engaged to me out of all people in this world... I was apart of the Avengers.. I had this little family who cared so much for me.. Great friends.. What was the problem then? Why was I feeling like this?!

I got out of bed and since Samson had a vet appointment today I decided to take him and let Maria sleep knowing she worked late last night. I slipped out of the sheets and put on sweat pants along with a hoodie. I leaned over the sleeping woman I loved so much and placed a few light kisses onto the nape of her neck "Baby.. I'll take Samy to the vet and let you sleep." I whispered and Maria gave a groggy grumble with a slight nod. I smiled at her. I loved her with all my being. I pick up Sam and give him his morning pets. He purrs nudging his little head against my hand.

I put him in his carrier and quickly popped into the bedroom again. Maria was rolled over so I gave her a quick yet soft kiss and whispered. "I'm off now. I love you" I whisper and she groggily mumbles a response "I love you too" she gets out barely audible but I heard it. I walked back to Samson's carrier and picked him up walking out the door. I settle him securely into the passenger seat while I hop into the driver seat and drive off. Poor guy meowed the whole way there understanding where we were going but he did good so I was back home in no time.

That dark wave and guilt behind it hadn't gone away. Why was I feeling like shit for absolutely no reason?! I spent the day trying to occupy my mind by doing errands and talking to Maria. Letter I got a text from Wanda asking me how I was feeling and if I wasn't hungover. Wanda or Nat always checked in on me so what the fuck was my problem? I replied that I luckily wasn't hungover and that I was fine although it was far from the truth..

Later during the evening I picked up a book to try and get my mind of my feelings but there were a lot of upsetting things in the book I could relate to or maybe felt like I could? It was a weird feeling... I shut the book since it just made me upset and I put the book back and saw the candle I had burned to perfection in the past.. To hide blades in.. I used to feel like this all the time and used to cut myself even when I was with Maria.. She helped me through it but was I falling back I to it now? But why?! The question floating in my mind didn't fade it only made my heart race.. Whenever I used to feel this heart racing I cut myself to make it slow down. I was curious and looked into it and I saw the blade still lying there...

I can't give in... But it would make me feel better? Make this utter feeling finally go away!.. But Maria wouldn't be happy with me... What if she calls the engagement off because of this?!...

I can't explain what came over me. It's like something took over but if it was my mind, body or heart I don't know.I took the blade and softly traced the side of my wrist a few times.. And then I just.. Did it.. All my hard work.. Gone. I had taken the fall now. I couldn't undo it.. Cut after cut..again and again.. Resulting into seven total cuts. They weren't deep so if Maria were to question it I could just say that I was rough housing with Samson and he just got my arm a little..

I threw the blade back I to the candle and quickly cleaned out my cuts making sure that Maria didn't notice. It made me remember how good it felt... I watched the water turn red as the blood mixed with it. I don't know what it was about it but it made me feel better? But it also made me feel much worse immediately. I realized that the 6 months I worked so hard to stay sober for were just washed down the drain along with my blood... It would eat me up inside if Maria found out.. She'd be so disappointed and just torn at what I just did.. But I know that she'd never find out.. I'd tell her it was Samson and let the guilt eat me up. It will be horrible but I know it's for the best.

I walked out and went to just lay in bed. Maria noticed and came to lay next to me. "Hi" she said with a bright smile "Hi." I muttered back and she immediately noticed.. "What's wrong?" she asked taking my hand. Her fingertips brushed over the cuts and her eyebrows furrowed she looked down and then her eyes snapped back up. "Y/n.. Where did these come from?" she asked and I let out a shaky breath "S-Samson and I were playing its nothing." I try and she squeezes my hand glaring at me. That's when I realized,she saw right through my terrible lie. "Don't you lie to me Y/n Y/l/n." she said seriously and I just looked down as the tears started to burn my eyes. Maria's hand slowly traveled up to my face and she cupped my cheek. "Why?" she mumbled?

I shrugged letting out a sob "I-I don't know.. I'm sorry." I huffed she kissed my forehead. "It's okay but please talk to me next time when you start feeling like this and start thinking about these things.." she whispers and I nod into her neck. "I love you..so much" she whispers kissing my cheek. "I love you too.. I'm sorr-" I start but Maria covers my mouth so I take the hint and shut up.

I'm glad that at least one of my pathetic thoughts could get cleared up. She's here and she's here to stay.. I love her for it. With all my heart.. She had no clue but I'll make sure to make her see just how important she is to me one day..