Light and Shadow

26 - A Civil Conversation

Xun Yu spent several hours tracking down all of the officials and informing them of their Lord's triumph and fast approaching return. Only one official remained and Xun Yu sighed as he prepared himself to face the man. He greeted the soldier that stood guard outside of the man's office and asked if his master was in. The soldier then nodded and ran inside to fetch him. He returned shortly after with Yang Xiu, who frowned briefly before his lips curled up into an obvious fake smile upon seeing Xun Yu. His black hair was up in a messy bun, and he wore a casual teal paofu with a dark blue underlayer.

"Greetings Minister Xun, to what do I owe this occasion?" Yang Xiu inquired as he bowed.

"Yang Xiu, please, there is no need to be so formal," Xun Yu stated as he politely bowed in return. "I have come to inform you that our Lord has triumphed over Yuan Shao and will be returning in one week's time."

Yang Xiu briefly looked surprised, but his surprise faded into indifference, and he laughed.

"That is wonderful news. I bet you're looking forward to his return," Yang Xiu scoffed. "But I wouldn't get too excited if I were you because as soon as he returns, things will go back to the way that they were."

Xun Yu frowned slightly.

"Yang Xiu, why do you insist on causing trouble?" Xun Yu inquired disapprovingly.

"What? Are you worried that I will steal that old man from you with my honeyed tongue?" Yang Xiu retorted.

"What? Ew, no," Xun Yu gushed with a look of disgust. "Please don't say something as weird as that again."

Yang Xiu smirked and laughed.

"I hope that you can keep up this time. It would be a shame if you can't; you have amusing reactions sometimes." Yang Xiu replied.

Xun Yu looked at him. He was stunned. Did Yang Xiu just show an ounce of feeling, other than dislike, to me? If he does not wish for me to be harmed, then why does he cause trouble for others in the worst possible ways? He knows that I will step in and help them if I am made aware of his schemes.

"By the way, since there is no longer any need for me to hide this piece of information from you, I will just say that I was the one aiding Yuan Shao's spies." Yang Xiu said with a hint of pride in his voice.

"I was aware of that," Xun Yu answered, causing Yang Xiu to look at him with a surprised expression. "I was wondering when you would admit to it. Why did you do it? I promise that I will not speak a word of this to our Lord."

"I know that you won't," Yang Xiu replied with a bitter smile. "You always keep your word. You're too much of a kind person. But I am sure that you can understand. Like others here, I was fearful that our Lord would not survive his ordeal at Guandu, and Yuan Shao offered me a nice position if I agreed to help his spies. My survival was guaranteed."

"I see," Xun Yu said thoughtfully. "I do not blame you for agreeing to his proposal, and I do not blame you for the things that you have done. I will admit that I also had my doubts, but I have devoted my life to our Lord, and I am even willing to die for him, if devotion demands it. I know that it probably does not seem like it, but I do try to empathize with you, even if I do not fully understand your motivation for doing things."

Yang Xiu frowned and grit his teeth. He clenched his fists tightly at his side and turned away from Xun Yu before motioning for him to enter his office with him. Xun Yu timidly followed behind the man and watched as he walked over to the desk that was situated in front of a wide window and sat down behind it. He motioned for Xun Yu to join him, and Xun Yu sat to the right side of the desk, placing his hands in his lap.

"Listen, don't get the wrong idea, I am not being nice to you. Okay?" Yang Xiu asked firmly, watching as Xun Yu nodded his head to show that he understood and was listening. "It's just, I know that we are all nothing more than pawns to our Lord. He gazes at all of us with that calculating gaze of his, always plotting the ways to use us and how he can benefit from keeping us around. If I sit complacent amid a stirring sea, then I will be swept aside and drown. But if I am the one that controls the waves and when they stir, then I will be able to coast on their momentum and come out on top. I may not be as valuable to our Lord as you or Guo Jia are, but I want to make a name for myself and be seen, not as a disposable pawn, but as a person."

Xun Yu gazed at him with sympathetic and sad eyes. He sighed as he could somewhat relate to Yang Xiu's words. 

"Yang Xiu, I am not as irreplaceable as you seem to think that I am. Just like you, our Lord could choose to cast me aside at any moment. Accepting that you are not in control of your own fate can be difficult, but, sometimes, one must cast aside their personal desires in order to achieve a greater good. I understand that you wish to survive and make a name for yourself, but sometimes it is better to be content with the hand that you are dealt than to strive against it. This chaos spares no one, and you are still young; please, stop this before you get yourself killed." Xun Yu replied.

"Minister Xun, you know this too?" Yang Xiu asked softly, more to himself. "While I appreciate the sentiment, you are not entirely a pawn, like I am. Our Lord values you in, uh, many ways; however, you still walk on eggshells to please him, and for what? What is your goal? I have never heard you utter a desire."

"Years ago, our Lord and I pledged an oath of loyalty to the Han. My only goal is to restore the Han, and I believe that our Lord is the only one capable of such a feat." Xun Yu answered softly.

Yang Xiu laughed. Too blinded by loyalty to see the full picture, yet he is not entirely honest with me. I know of his relationship with our Lord, and he knows that I am aware of it. Restoring the Han is not the only thing that he desires. How can he be attracted to a man who would willingly dispose of him once he deems that his usefulness is at an end? Maybe I am overthinking it. Maybe they care deeply for each other, more so than they let on in public, but I guess that really isn't my business. Actually, that might prove to be useful in the future...

"I guess we all cling on to things that we shouldn't," Yang Xiu said with a bleak expression. "Minister, I have enjoyed this conversation, but it is getting rather late."

Xun Yu looked over Yang Xiu's shoulder at the window and noticed that the sun was returning to rest on the horizon as the final hours of the evening were upon them.

"My apologies for taking up so much of your time, I also enjoyed our conversation. Thank you, I should get going now." Xun Yu replied as he stood up and bowed to the man.

Yang Xiu bowed in return and watched as Xun Yu left. He frowned as he gazed at the table before smiling and chuckling. Not even he is perfect. His loyalty and devotion to the past will be his undoing. Although we were mostly honest with each other, I could tell that he was holding back; he is quite timid and reserved, yet I feel as though he is far too perceptive and has seen more of myself than even I have. Was his advice earlier coming from a place of genuine concern? But why would he care about me or my wellbeing? Is he just that nice? He clenched his fists tightly, causing his knuckles to turn white. Damn it!