Light and Shadow

Chapter 13 - Of Half Truths and Frailty

Cao Cao took in a deep breath and prepared to give him his answer. Although he wanted to take a risk and convey all of his innermost feelings to Xun Yu, he knew that now was not the time for that. He could not afford to take such a great risk, not when their bond was already shaken and somewhat fractured, and not while Xun Yu's health was in such a fragile state.

"How do I feel about you?" Cao Cao echoed. "I am afraid that words will fail to adequately describe everything that I feel for you. I care deeply for you and cherish your existence. You are the only one that I can place my unconditional trust in, no other has ever come close to holding the same level of trust that I place in you. You are invaluable to me, my care for you runs deeper than any river."

Hopefully that isn't too revealing. Now would be the worst time to reveal the romantic feelings that I harbor for him, it would only cause him even greater pain and undue stress. In the future, if things improve between us, I hope that he can forgive me for uttering this half-truth. Cao Cao thought silently to himself. Xun Yu met the man's gentle and sincere gaze with one that conveyed how touched he was by his words. Tears of gratitude formed in his eyes, and he got on his knees and deeply bowed to the man, touching his forehead to the floor.

"My Lord, I do not deserve to be held in such high regard. Your kindness knows no bounds. I am honored by your words. Thank you." Xun Yu stated.

Cao Cao kneeled down and gently placed his hands on the man's shoulders, causing him to look up at him. Their eyes met and Xun Yu could see the restraint and apprehension that lingered behind his actions and words. What is he hiding? What is he afraid of? Xun Yu wondered. Cao Cao shook his head.

"I am not kind, I am selfish." Cao Cao replied as he took his right hand and gently touched Xun Yu's face.

He gazed at the man with a troubled expression and moved his hand to Xun Yu's arm, helping him to stand up.

"My Lord?" Xun Yu asked, questioning what just happened and what was troubling him.

"Hm? It's nothing." Cao Cao stated as he returned his hands to his side.

He sighed and turned to gaze out of the kitchen window. Many different colored leaves littered the landscape and clung desperately to the trees. Leaves of green, yellow, and red lie on the ground, occasionally being swept up and carried away by a gentle, chilly breeze. Fall will be here soon. Will I be able to spend it with you? He had a wistful look in his eyes as he pondered the feelings that he attempted to burry within him.

Xun Yu looked at him with a curious expression and joined him in gazing out of the window at the outside world. It was relatively still and silent, save for the occasional breeze that rustled the leaves. A moment of stillness and peace... Are worse things yet to come? I need to find out who that noble man was in that strange room, the identity of the man who captured me, and the meaning of that strange talisman. I am not entirely sure where I could begin my search for the answers to these things, but I could probably find something out if I followed one of the spies again. Perhaps I will be able to do that tonight.

Xun Yu winced in pain as his stomach throbbed before growling loudly, much to his embarrassment. He frowned and pretended like it didn't happen as he hoped that Cao Cao didn't notice, but how could he not notice it? He turned to look at Xun Yu.

"Wenruo," Cao Cao said softly, his voice was full of concern.

"I'm fine," Xun Yu stated blandly. "Please, I don't want to talk about it anymore."

Although he tried to mask the pain that he felt, the slight crack in his voice made it obvious. Cao Cao said nothing and nodded to show that he would respect the man's wishes. He then told Xun Yu that he needed to go and take care of some things back at the palace before thanking the man and bidding him farewell. Once he was out the front door, Xun Yu walked over to the table in the living area and plopped down beside it. He placed his elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands. That was embarrassing. I didn't want or mean to cause him to feel concerned. I feel terrible. Why can't I eat without feelings of fear or guilt? Why did the sadness that I felt morph into this terrible curse? He sighed and pushed those thoughts aside in his mind. I don't have time to dwell on that. I need to focus on other matters.

----

Cao Cao walked down the stone pathway that led back to the palace. He frowned, lost deep in thought. He was concerned for Xun Yu and his well-being, but he didn't know what to do or how he could help him. Maybe Guo Jia could give me some advice. He's probably playing Go with Xiahou Dun at the barracks again. I'll start my search there. Cao Cao increased his walking pace with his destination in mind. Several minutes later, he made it to the barracks and entered, closing the door behind him. Guo Jia and Xiahou Dun sat at a table by the window playing Go, and Cao Cao walked over to them.

"Fengxiao," Cao Cao said, causing the man to turn and look at him with a surprised expression.

"My Lord, what's wrong? Why do you look so troubled? Please, sit with us." Guo Jia stated, motioning for the man to take a seat next to him.

He sat down at the table and Guo Jia and Xiahou Dun halted their game, looking at him with expectant faces.

"I need some advice." Cao Cao stated.

"For?" Guo Jia inquired, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, let's say that, hypothetically, you were attracted to a man and didn't know if that attraction was worth risking your close bond. But you also don't know if you should risk telling him because you don't want to risk stressing him out and adding to his burden. What would you do?" Cao Cao asked.

Guo Jia smiled and leaned forward, close to the man's ear.

"This is about Xun Yu, isn't it?" Guo Jia whispered.

Cao Cao remained calm, despite being somewhat surprised by the fact that Guo Jia saw through him with ease.

"Maybe..." Cao Cao replied.

Guo Jia pulled back and chuckled.

"Don't play coy, it's fairly obvious. From my conversations with him, I would say that it would not hurt to tell him. You know as well as I do that he is highly reserved and practices great restraint. It would take a while for him to believe you or open up to the idea, since such a relationship is viewed as improper by others, but if you give him time, then I suspect that he will warm up to the idea." Guo Jia stated with a grin.

"I see. Thank you, Fengxiao," Cao Cao replied. He paused as he thought of something. "What exactly have you and Xun Yu talked about? How are you so certain of this?"

Guo Jia gave him a mischievous smile.

"I can't say. I promised him that I would keep such discussions confidential." Guo Jia stated, earning a confused nod from the man.

He thanked the man for his advice and left to return to the palace. As he entered through the western corridor, he cursed at himself for forgetting to ask him the main question that he wanted to know: How do I help and show support for someone who is struggling? Perhaps I am getting old. He thought silently to himself as he walked back to his room on the eastern end of the palace.

----

Night fall rapidly approached, enveloping the land in a blanket of darkness and the soft light of the moon. The activity of the town died down as night fell, and many citizens returned home as several merchants closed their shops. They left as the merchants who would remain open for the night approached to take over their respective stalls. The air was still and calm, yet it held a slight chill to it. Xun Yu sat at the table in the living area of his home, reading over the reports that Cheng Yu brought him earlier by the light of a candle. After I finish this one I will go out and search for clues.

Once he finished the report, he carefully sat it down on the table and stood up. He walked into his bedroom and rummaged through the drawer of his nightstand until he found the white jade stone with the strange talisman on it. Perhaps I can start my search by asking the merchants if they have ever seen this talisman before. He neatly tucked the stone away, in the chest of his robe, and he brushed a few strands of stray hair back with his fingers. He then approached the front door and took a deep breath as he prepared to leave.