Brooklyn Baby - H.S

Part Forty Five

Harry's pov –
One week later.

Nothing feels real anymore, I lost the only thing that I knew was good for me because I was stupid and didn't realise what I had before I lost it, she hates me and there's nothing I can do to change that now.

For the past week all I've been doing is crying, drinking and trying to sleep, I've come to find that sleeping on my sofa is much better since my bedroom is a constant reminder of her and it breaks me whenever I go in there, especially with her things still scattered around and her scent of her side of the bed.

I don't think I've felt this much pain since my grandmother died, this hurts worse then being shot which I have been shot a good few times while in this job.

I just want her, that's all but I know I can't have her, she won't trust me ever again, I'll never be able to talk to her, touch her, kiss her.

She made me weak but in the most beautiful way possibly, I would fall at the knees for her, admire everything she did when we spent time together, cherish every kiss and hug we had but obviously not enough, I wish I could have done more, just came clean when I noticed myself falling but she didn't even know she had killed her father.

She was certain he had just run off and left her, I've seen the cctv footage of that day and it looked horrendous, he beat her to the floor like she was a rag doll, she looked so vulnerable and fragile, I didn't know that a few weeks from then I would have fallen head over heels for the woman I got to call my girlfriend for barely a day.

Which breaks me even more, I finally asked her after putting it off for so long out of fear of rejection, I finally buckled up the courage to ask her and the next day it went tits up, thanks to Niall.

I can't blame the boy really, he didn't know that she didn't know what had happened, I didn't shout at him, I was too upset to acknowledge what had happened I just drove to the base, got my van from Michael and left leaving them to deal with Bobby.

I haven't been back for a week, nothing feels right without her being around, work especially, god I just don't want to put up with the glares from Michael and Luke, I'm sure Cordelia would have told Michael what happened and what I knew so I think me going back would be a shit show in itself.

I've tried calling and texting her just asking if we can talk but I get no response, it's understandable though, I completely fucked up, I don't even deserve her to forgive me, she deserves so much better than me.

I take a swig of the whiskey bottle wincing at the stinging sensation going down my throat, all I've been doing is drinking I can't remember the last time I had water in my system, my cheeks are stained with dry tear marks from crying so much, I can't even remember the last time I had a shower, I feel so lost.

Everything feels like it did before her but much worse, theirs so much pain shooting through me every day, my heart aches more and more everyday since she broke up with me.

Since she left me, I just want her back, she was my anchor and kept me afloat, god I nearly confessed I loved her outside the hospital before she stopped me, I would of done it but at the same time it could of looked like I was just saying it because I didn't want her to leave.

I remember watching her hug herself sobbing walking into the hospital, I wanted to chase after her my heart was breaking watching her walk away from me but I knew that she felt 100x worse then I could ever feel, I had lied to her and I knew about her father before she did, even the fact that James knew who she was and that her dad worked with James, I should of come clean as soon as I started gaining feelings.

It's my fault, she did what was right for her to leave me.

James has tried to contact me varies amounts of times to do tasks, I keep refusing him telling him I'm unwell and not up to it, I know he knows, theirs no way in hell he doesn't know what's happened.