Goodbye, brother mine.

Chapter 6: An Appalling Realization.

⚠️ Trigger Warnings for the Chapter:⚠️
Anxiety, Eating Disorder, Emotional Eating, Body shaming, Bullying, Fat shaming, Blood, Panic Attack.

Mycroft Holmes' Letter for Sherlock: (Continued)

Three weeks. That's how long you were in the hospital for. They had seemed like an eternity to me. During those three weeks, either Mummy or Daddy would be with you while the other one stayed at home with me. Dad would stay with you through the night and Mummy would go to the hospital to relieve him. On the day you were allowed to be discharged, I was at home, waiting for Mummy and Daddy to bring you back to me. In those three weeks, I had gone through and understood a few more emotions on the negative end of the emotional spectrum- Anger, Guilt, Regret, Insecurity and Worry. I had not visited you, not even once. I could not. My fear always overpowered me. I was afraid to face you, Sherlock. I was afraid that I'll see my guilt reflected in your eyes as an allegation. The uncertainty of what I'd see made me come up with some lame excuse each time Mummy or Daddy offered to take me to the hospital to see you. It was during this time that I developed a habit of emotional eating. The constant worrying and the ceaseless regret led to a completely outlandish feeling of emptiness somewhere in my core. An emotional void which I tried to fill with the fullness that I got after eating. Food was the only way to fill that void and eating gave me a sense of satisfaction. The fact that it was fleeting did not matter. The habit grew upon me and I found, as so many more have done before me, this pattern is easier to attain than to get rid of. For almost three years I continued to be a slave to my eating tendencies. By the time I was 10, I was awfully overweight. I had no idea though because I had no one to compare myself to and I thought that all the blubber on my body was a sign of me growing up and getting stronger. However, I got the message loud and clear one day when Dad took me to the supermarket to get groceries. I was 10 and we had finished our shopping when Dad asked me to go and sit in the car while he paid for our groceries. I was heading towards our car in the parking lot and I saw two boys who must have been a few years older. They both had Coca Cola cans in their hands and were sipping it. I passed them and out of nowhere, they both started pointing at me and laughing. I ignored them and kept walking when one of them said from behind me, "Hey Fatso! Why don't you stop eating the food of the whole city? There's people here who could use that!" and both of them burst into laughter. I clenched my jaw but continued on my way when I heard the other one say, "Want someone to push you through the car door so that you can get your fat ass into the seat?" causing the other to spit-take. I did not understand why they were being mean to me. It's not like they were holding a grudge or something like that because I'd never even seen their faces before. I carried on, deep in thought and I had reached our car when I felt something cold and hard hit the back of my head. With surprise, I touched my head and felt a sharp pain run through my head. As I lowered my hand and turned around, I saw that one of the kids had flung his Coca Cola can at me and both of them were cackling. "Hey!" I yelled with anger and pain. "What do you think you're doing?" In response, the other kid aimed his can at my face and hurled it at me. I ducked but I couldn't avoid it completely. It hit me right above my eye and my entire forehead goes off in pain. I sensed something warm tickle down my eye and fall onto my collar. I swiped at it with my hand and with just a quick glance, I realise I'm bleeding. I gasped because the sight of it took me back to the day of your accident. I couldn't breathe and I felt as if I was drowning. I fell down on my knees and the small stones on the ground scraped my knees slightly. I don't know how much time had passed when I suddenly heard Dad's faint voice as if he was miles away from him. But in the next second, I felt his hands cupping my face and calling my name. Even though we were only a few inches apart, his voice was still deadened. "Mycroft? Are you alright?" Dad shook me by the shoulders and I suddenly came out of the flashback. "Son! Can you hear me?" I nodded as I knew my voice would betray me if I tried to speak. "What happened?" I did not reply but instead I looked around to grasp the reality because everything was still fuzzy. We were both on the ground, Dad kneeling in front of me with grocery bags around him. "Mycroft!" I looked at him, swallowed and then said, "Let's go home." He looked into my eyes and I could see my own confusion and unease reflected in his piercing eyes. I slowly tried getting up and with Dad's support, I got in the car. He made his way to the driver's seat and sat down. Before starting the car, he looked at me and asked me once again, "Are you alright, kiddo?" "Yes Dad, it was nothing." I lie dubiously. "I slipped on those cans and fell down. I should have been more careful. I guess I didn't notice them until I tripped over them." I know he had not bought the lie but he quietly started the car and we headed home.

"Oh my God Mikey, what did you do now?" I heard Mummy say as soon as I stepped throughthe door. "Nothing Mummy, I just slippedin the parking lot and fell down." Isaid and smiled sheepishly to throw her off the scent. "Good Lord Mike! You have to be more careful or else I'm going to haveto wrap you like an Egyptian Mummy!" "Orlike a Christmas present!" Youchimed in. We all laughed and I plumped down on the couch. Mummy cleaned up thewounds and put on gauze and tape on it. She gave me an ice pack for the painfulbump on the back of my head. I excused myself and went to my room with one handholding the ice pack to my head and the other hand clenched into a fist. I laiddown and I suddenly grasped the outright words of those boys. "Holy shit! Am I really fat?!?" I got up and walked to the mirror, half hopingthat the kids were wrong and just being mean to me. I stood in front of mymirror and I removed my jacket. I grasped the hem of my t-shirt while musteringcourage. I slowly lifted it and I closed my eyes as it passed over them. I tooka deep breath while letting it fall to the floor. I felt my heart quicken as Islowly opened my eyes and saw my reflection. I took a few steps forward andlooked at myself with a new found horror and a trace of disgust. I looked horrifyingand my body was utterly repulsive. I was appalled. "What am I going to do?" Imuttered under my breath while my head hung low in shame. I was sitting on thebed wearing my t-shirt but I didn't remember how I got there... I sat there forGod knows how long, pondering it over. "Howcould I have let myself become this... This hideous monster! Why didn't Irealise?!? How are we going to get rid of all this unsightly excess pounds?" I thought it over while I rested my head on mypillow. And, I got an idea. "That's it,Mycroft. No more food for us. Not until we go back to looking like the adorablethin young boy." I said as my eyesfilled up and tears rolled down onto my pillow.