Seven

Chapter 24

I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. Maybe I'm coming up to my period and am just hormonal and sensitive. Whatever it is I'm in a mood and I'm in no head space to take peoples bullshit.

The last month and a half of my life - no scratch that I'd say the last three months of my life - have been far too stressful. I've been in a constant string of fear inducing predicaments and I think I've finally snapped. Spending weeks watching my grandmother become sicker and sicker, in a constant state of fear of that inevitable day of her passing. Losing my scholarship and fearing for my future and education. Starting a new job that in moments has me fearing the audacity of some men. Finding out the fearful truth about Seven and his scary uncle who literally everyone fears. Now having some asshole in a black sedan following me, freaking me the fuck out.

I'm tired of it. I'm honestly so sick of being fucking scared of literally everything. I got a taste of standing up for myself on Saturday night chasing that fucking car away. And I woke up on Sunday morning so proud of myself for it. It was reckless, and dangerous of me but honestly I'm at this point now where I'm so beyond done feeling like I can't do something about feeling so weak and scared, that acting out - even if it may be dangerous - is all I can really do now.

So here I am today. It's Monday, I'm feeling sour, I'm jacked up on the thoughts of standing up for myself and I'm ready to give anyone who gives me any grief a tongue lashing. You know those guys out in town at night that will literally fight anyone and anything after a few brews? Well that's me today. 

I got a good dose of noradrenaline in my car on my way to work this afternoon. Road rage is a great source of release for pent up frustration and anger. Some might say I really only drove today to literally yell profanities at people in my small box with wheels.

I have a lot to be mad about. After spending time with my university friend's I've been reminded my life isn't exactly going in a great direction. I've never been dealt any easy hands in the game of life, and well for that I'm mad. Oh and let's just top that all off with a bit of disastrous boy drama.

Tom keeps texting me. I feel bad about letting him kiss me on Saturday. I was really hoping he would drop it considering we were both pretty smashed but of course he didn't forget. I can't be mad at him though, he is too nice, he never does anything wrong and I should like him but I don't.

There's a particular brown curly haired man that seems to be in the way of that. A man that no matter how angry and upset I should be about finding out about Destiny I still can't seem to shake him from my mind.

You'd think not seeing him for two weeks would have me calming down over thinking about him but last night this impertinence man had the nerve to show up in my fucking dreams! I literally can't get away from him. My mind is a bitch for throwing him in front and centre of my closed eyelids during what is meant to be a peaceful time for me. Sleep is honestly my only down time now and to have him popping up there too is just too much.

I guess I shouldn't complain, the dream was slightly sexy and he looked so handsome as usual but waking up from it in my dark room, alone, in my old double bed, alone, in my shitty little flat, alone was a nice wee reminder that Seven can only ever be with me in my dreams.

I suppose the sex dream is also aiding my foul mood and distaste for the world today too.

In an attempt to shut out the Richard's and Karen's of the world I've plugged myself into my music app. Blasting songs through my headphones so as not to blow up on any customers in the liquor store.

Jeremy took one look at my face when I arrived today and held his hands up in defence before taking up residence behind the till. I'm glad he could just tell I wouldn't be in the right mood to be serving customers today. Service with a smile can stick it. Service with a mediocre, middle aged, bald denying Jeremy will have to do for our local alcoholics today.