My Donnie

Do It

"What, Mikey?" Raph asks when he opens the door. His eyes are droopy and they have dark bags under them. He looks worse then Donnie, I didn't know that was possible.
"Can I use the bathroom?" He sighs and he walks out of the bathroom.
Sorry to be an inconvenience for you too.
I walk into the bathroom and I close the door behind me.
"Hey, Leo." I whisper. I sigh and I kneel in front of the tub.
I don't actually need to use the bathroom, I just wanted to talk to Leo for a minute and I wanted to get...something.
"I miss you bro," I whisper and I rest my chin on the side of the tub. I can feel my eyes starting to water but I rub away the tears. I should probably hurry up.
I walk over to the toilet and I flush it. Then I turn on the sink. I open the cupboard above the sink. Casey has a pack of eight razors...I'm sure he won't notice one missing. He hardly even uses them.
I take a razor and I hide it in my belt. I should probably take one of these too. I grab a role of medical tape Donnie uses for Leo. He's got a crap ton, he won't noticed one missing. Right? I hide it in my belt along with the razor.
I turn off the water then I open the bathroom. When I open the door Raph is leaning against the wall.
"Sorry." I mumble and I walk past him.
"I miss him too, you know." Raph whispers. I pause and I turn around.
"He'll wake up Raph, I know he will." Raph doesn't say anything, he seems fixated on the floor. After several long, long seconds his turns his back to me and he walks back into the bathroom without saying a word.
I sigh as I watch the door close. I start walking back to the attic.
I don't think I've ever felt this alone. Even though I'm in a house full of people. If I were just home and alone in my room, I would be less lonely.
I hug myself as I step into the office. I close the office door before I step into the closet.
This is ironic.
I climb the ladder and I crawl back over to the TV.
I suppose it doesn't pay to play the movie, it's not like I'm going to be listening to it.
I sigh and I unpause the movie. It will be good background noise, even if I don't want to watch it right now.
I really need to get a better lighting system up here.
I carefully pull the razor out of my belt and I lean my back up against a support beam. I lay the razor on the floor and I pull the tape out of my belt too.
Do I really want to do this?
I inhale deeply and I close my eyes. I tip my head back against the beam.
Everyone is hurting right now...I'm not the only one. It's not worth it to relapse.
I just feel like such a burden to the others...and I know they all want to be alone right now. But being alone right now is killing me, literally. I just want someone to spend time with, is that took much to ask?
I exhale slowly.
Apparently it is, Donnie made me feel like shit when I just asked him to hook up the TV for me. And what? It only took ten minutes max.
I can feel my mask dampening from crying. I didn't even realize that I was crying in the first place.
I tilt my head and I look down at the razor.
Do it, a dark voice in the back of my head whispers. They don't care about you.
I pick up the razor and I look at it. I carefully start taking it apart. It's been a while since I've done this.
Why can't you just be better, Mikey?
I finally get it apart and three blades fall onto the floor. I pick them up and I put them on my stretched out leg. I fold my ankle towards me and I take the wrapping off of my ankle.
All you ever do is mess up and annoy everyone around you. You know, if you would've been better maybe Leo wouldn't have gotten hurt this bad-
"That's not my fault," I whisper out loud and I look down at my bare ankle. "None of this is...I just want to help them, and I want to be a family again." I say to the voice in my head.
I must seem really insane right now, arguing with myself.
I wish Sensei was here, I miss him more then anything.
Whenever my brothers were mad at me for messing up or being too "immature" Splinter would comfort me. And he always gave the best hugs.
I know I promised that I wouldn't do this anymore...I'm sorry Sensei.
I put up the blade and I hold it to the side of my ankle. I take a deep breath and I push it into my skin. I bite wince as I slice open my skin.
A sweet wave of relief washes over me as I watch my blood spill from the wound.
You deserve this, you deserve to suffer. Worthless piece of crap you are. Your family is falling apart and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it, now is there?"
It's been so long since I've heard that little voice in the back of my head- well I guess it's always been there but it's been so quiet. Now it's screaming at me and it's the only thing I can hear.
Besides my heart beating, I can hear my heart racing and my hands are trembling.
I let out a small cry and I put my hand over my mouth to muffle it.
I just want things to go back to how they where back in the city. Even better I want to go back to being five years old.
When I was young and innocent.
Back then I remember playing with my brothers all day long. Well Raph and Leo mostly fought over stuff, but Donnie would always play with me.
He would show me how to build cool things out of blocks, and then Raph would pretend to be a big scary dinosaur and he would come knock down all my creations.
And oh man, our hide and seek games where the best! We would split into two groups- it was always me and Donnie against Leo and Raph. I don't know, I guess Don and I have always just been drawn together.
Oh yeah, he's super drawn to you. He didn't even want to help you for ten minutes! He probably hates you.
No! That's not true, Donnie loves me.
Oh really? Is that why he tell you to go away all the time?
He just says that because he's sad, and he needs some space to feel better.
He needs space from your annoying ass.
"Shut up!" I yell louder than I mean to.
Out of rage I put the blade up to my skin, right above my other cut.
I rip my skin open, further than I realized. I let out a small cry.
Shit that really hurt- it's bleeding bad. Really bad.
I should have grabbed a rag or something.
No- no I didn't mean to do that!
I grab the tape and I struggle to unwrap it because my hands are shaking so bad.
I'm starting to feel dizzy, and nauseous too.
I'm bleeding everywhere.
But the blood rushing out feels so good...it's like watching all of my problems, all of my bad thought just flow away.
I finally unwrap the tape. It's a struggle to get it around my ankle though.
I can't die, not here.
I don't want someone to find me here...oh god, Donnie. I can't leave him. He won't eat- and Raph, April, and Casey. They need someone to keep them together.
What makes you think you can do it? You've failed so far.
Shut up! Shut up! Just shut up!
I slap my hands over my ear and I rock back and forth.
Just bleed out. No one will care. As a matter of fact, you will be doing everyone a favor. You won't be around to annoy the shit out of everyone all the damn time.
For whatever reason the voice seems louder. I can't do this.
I...I just need to sleep. Yeah. My head is spinning and everything is blurry.
I'm not even sure if I wrapped myself up properly.
I can't stay awake any longer...with each passing second I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into unconsciousness.
I lay down in my side and and I fold my arm under my head.
Can't...stay....awake....