Section F: Fairy Tales & Physicists

Interlude

Transcript of extraordinary meeting of the Federal Coven of Witches Disciplinary Tribunal, East Fanklion Division, her honour the right Warty and Wise Grand Witch Stephanie Fingersnap adjudicating. Tribunal consisting of Senior Witches: Kelsey Toadmaker, Crystal Castatmebro and Felicia Newteye, Junior Witches: Judy Crinklefish and Kate Snout, and alleged witch of indeterminate status: Lacey Schnookums.

GW Fingersnap: Order, order. A little order, ladies, if you please. This isn't the Friday night bubble and brew-up, after all. Now, to business. Clerk of the coven, please outline the matter at hand.

Clerk: Yes, Your Wartiness. This tribunal has been called to hear charges levelled against the senior witch of the village of Brampton, to wit that said witch did summarily and without due notice abandon her victim and/or patient whilst in the midst of providing and/or inflicting her witchly powers to and/or on said victim and/or patient, and moreover, the defendant is further charged with bringing the profession of witching into disrepute by undertaking said abandonment in a needlessly flashy and melodramatic manner.

GW Fingersnap: And who is the plaintiff in the matter?

Clerk: A local gentleman by the name of Merffle, Your Wartiness. The Brampton witch was assisting with the birth of Mr and Mrs Merffle's child when the alleged offences took place.

Plaintiff: Alleged? Alleged? Alleged my bloody ar—

GW Fingersnap: Ah, I see we have Mr Merffle with us this evening. Might I suggest your calm yourself, my good man? Firstly, because you may rest assured your case will receive a fair hearing. And secondly, because throwing your weight around in a room full of women who, at the slightest provocation, are quite capable of rendering you mute, immobile, infertile, or some exciting combination of the three, is perhaps not very wise. Now, please tell us what happened.

Plaintiff: [crossing legs] Ah, um, right you are, Your Witchiness. You see, the missus' time had come, so like usual, I called the witch and left 'em to it. I was only on to me second pint when all this screechin' and hollerin' came from the bedroom—even more than the usual, if you get my drift—so after I knocked back me drink, I figured I better go in for a look. And when I got in there, she was gone.

GW Fingersnap: You mean the witch?

Plaintiff: That's right, Your Haggardliness. The missus says there was this flash of green down between her knees, and the witch up and vanished. Just like that. Without so much as a by your leave. Or a baby delivered.

SW Castatmebro: Vanished, Mr Merffle? Is it not possible the witch may have simply left?

Plaintiff: Oh no, Your Croneship. I was sitting right by the door and din see no sign of her leaving.

JW Crinklefish: How about the bedroom window?

Plaintiff: Oh, we don't got any windows, ma'am. We's simple folk. We don't set any store by such newfangled gewgaws. No, that lousy hag just plain vanished herself in a magic flash of green, like the missus said. Leavin' me to deliver the baby. And I'll tell you somethin' for nothin'—turns out a birthin' ain't just fetchin' some clean water and puttin' some towels on to boil. It's real [plaintiff pauses and, with a haunted expression, swallows audibly] messy.

GW Fingersnap: So, the baby was delivered successfully? You wife and newborn are well?

Plaintiff: Them two? Oh, them two are fine. Don't you worry about them. But what about me? After bein' forced to stare down the business end of a baby comin' into the world? How the hell is a man supposed to approach his husbandly duties with any kinda enthusiasm when he's seen that?