Lost all my controll - ready to die

the time I almost quit

As you know in 2020 covid-19 started. In march we had the first lookdown. I thought it was cool to be in distance learning - it wasn't. The first two weeks were good. But after a while I got that feeling. That empty feeling. I had no motivation to stand up and do my school work. I stayed in bed all day. I could'nt sleep at night. I started staying up at night. I cutted my hair VERY short. I just wasn't satisfied with myself. In april I started scratching and punching myself again. Why? Because I "deserved" it. These voices came back. It was like they were on vacation. But this time they got really loud. My head hurted. They said the worst things this time. It was so bad, that I started having suicide thoughts. I was so done with my life at this point. I thought nothing makes sense anymore. I didn't cared about anything. I pushed evryone away. I screamed at everyone. It was scary, because I never was aggressive. It still was lookdown. I often went outside at night, to go for a walk. I walked through a little wood and there was a bridge. On the other side there was a train track. I layed myself on the track. I layed there for one hour but there was no train I don't know why. I got home again because I got tired. I walked to that track every night. But one day something in myself sayed I should climb on the edge from the bridge. So it was 2 a.m. and I stood there. On the edge of the bridge. These voices screamed at me "jump!!". But something stopped me from jumping. I was too scared. I got on that edge everyday. But I never jumped. I tried it until I will overcame my fear. - I never did. My fears rescued me. I did that until may, so for about one month. Luckly I never did it. In may I met a boy. He made me feel special.