Lost all my controll - ready to die

november 15th

On november 13th my mother got a call. It was from my grandmas retirement home. They said that my grandma is going to die soon. We drived to her one day later, we had to drive four hours. We got into her room. I was so schocked. My mum was running to her bed and started crying. I didn't knew what I should do. I went to a chair in the corner of the room. My grandma was white. Not like a natural skin colour. WHITE. And she was so thin i could see all her venes. I couldn't move. I sat in that chair for three hours, while my mom talked with her. - but she didn't awnser because she couldn't talk anymore. We got into our car again. A day later my mom got a call. My grandma passed away on september 15th. I couldn't realize it. Why am I such a dumb person? My chest felt like it's going to explode. I was not ready for this kind of pain. I didn't even say goodbye to my grandma. Why the fuck can't I be a normal person. It's too late now. I can't say goodbye anymore. - I went too school like a normal person after that. But I still didn't do anything for school. I didn't care about anything anymore. I had suicide thoughts. But I was too lazy for a suicide. I just wanted to dissapear. I can't really discribe how I felt. But it was worse. I went to school, and pretended that nothing happened. But one day in december I got so aggressive. I wanted to stab a girl with my scissors. I asked a teacher "can I stab ...". The teacher called the police. We got to the police station and they called an abulance. Why? They putted me into a mental hospital, because I was a danger for other people-at least they said that. But I was not. I would never stab someone. I don't know what was wrong with me that day.So I stayed at the mental hospital for three nights. But what was it good for? Absolutely nothing. They said that I have anger issues. But I do not. I lived my depressed life and suddenly it was silvester. A new year. A new try. A new chance.