Have This

Loss

They didn't know how to feel.

They watched. They listened. They screamed and cried and ran. Two dogs, one of their own and one belonging to a friend of a friend, their jaws locked on its squirming body while it cried out in muffled pain. It felt liquidy. Sticky blood clung to its soft fur. They heard the screams. They must be having a fun time playing, they thought. But the cries got louder and more desperate. Could it be that they had gotten the baby? No, they wouldn't... right? Still, it was better to check.

Their daughter.

They screamed and sprinted out the door. They yelled and pleaded. Someone, please, save her. It came out frantic and breathy, slurred together and uneven. They felt like chopped parsley.

The adults ran inside and their chest felt like it was collapsing in on itself. The arms of someone, they couldn't remember, enveloped them and stroked their hair. It's okay, it's okay darling, they whispered in their ear. They wanted to believe it.

A feeling of dread stuck to their organs. Full, invasive, unwelcome. It felt like someone cut them open and sewed a balloon inside of them. It felt hollow. But the exterior felt hard, they realised. Maybe like an egg. Empty of life. Nothing onside of it. Hollow. That's what they felt like.

Their face was swollen from crying. Their eyes burned like someone kicked sand in their face.

She died.

They knew it would.

Then why were they still surprised?

Guilt, overwhelming guilt and sadness suffocated them, forcing its way up their throat and choking the life out of them like the life drained from its frail and damaged body.

Comfort is what they wanted.

Not inspiring speeches about God. Yes, everything happens for a reason. Maybe they didn't pray hard enough. They wanted to scream and cry and smash things and bang their head against a wall until their skull caved in and their blood splattered the walls and they wanted it to stop.

They looked for reassurance elsewhere, but everyone was busy.

Busy, busy, busy.

Why was everyone always busy when they needed them the most?

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair.

I'm sorry, they pleaded. So so sorry, please, please forgive me. Let her know i love her.

A wave of nausea washed over them. It felt like rocks falling from a large oil drum onto the floor. It splattered and splintered and got everywhere.

Their throat felt thick.